"Grandfather Christmas" Story

There were a couple people who wanted to read the Christmas story I wrote for my church's Christmas Eve service, which went very well by the by. I felt like I read well and got a good reaction from people who said they loved the story. So yay me! For those few people who were away at Christmas, and maybe a few others who like reading heartwarming stories, here she be:

~ Grandfather Christmas ~

Gregory only had a week to find his brother a Christmas present. His little brother Leon was missing a kidney and often sick and Gregory felt it was his job as the older brother to take care of him despite the closeness of their age — Gregory was nine and three quarters, Leon was eight and a half.


“What do you want for Christmas?” Gregory asked his brother over breakfast. The advent calendar showed seven more sleeps to go.


“I dunno. What do you want?”


Gregory frowned. He was convinced that Leon’s lack of knowing things was the sole cause of his frown crease between his eyebrows. “Well, what did you put on your Christmas list?”


“I can’t remember; Mom has it,” Leon said.


“You must know something that you want,” Gregory said. “Leon, listen to me.” He had found the best way to get Leon’s attention was to emphasize things as dramatically as possible. He waited until Leon, mid-spoonful to the mouth, looked up at him. “What do you want most in the entire world if you could have anything that you ever wanted?”

A Super Crafty Christmas

I have been busy writing a Christmas story for the Christmas Eve service at my church and I had to kill a lot of babies to get there. Wait, you know I don't mean real babies. Did you even read my last post, Girl Meets Boy Meets Awkward Meets Boy Runs Away? "Kill your babies" is an expression. Sometimes you have to delete parts of a story that you love because a) they just don't fit the story, b) you have a word limit, or c) deep down you know they suck. I'm excited because it will be my first time reading something of my own to a large-er group of people. I'm happy because it's actually a very small group of people and if I make a fool of myself I can threaten them to eternal silence. The story is about one little boy's effort to make his little brother's Christmas wish come true. I often end up writing stories about children, probably because of my immaturity level. Something about seeing things through their eyes makes me happy, and I find I usually care more about stories with children in them. Or romance. If there is not the possibility of romance in the first few chapters of a book, it is 75% more likely that you have lost me. However, I will usually persevere, I'll just be disappointed as I do it before I get so caught up in the story I forget to be disappointed.

Girl Meets Boy Meets Awkward Meets Boy Runs Away

Happy Baby

Everyone knows what it's like to accidentally let it slip that you like someone and then have it get around to the person so that even if there was a slight possibility that they might like you in the future, that bridge is now on fire and if you tried to cross it you would burst into flame and die, that is how low your chances of success are. If, by chance, that person likes you back and finding out you like them just helps it along, then well, way to go, you win. I always like nice guys so if they ever hear that I like them and they don't like me back they are too nice to lead me on and instead AVOID AVOID AVOID! RETREEEAAATTT! And the sad thing is half the time I don't really like them, I just want to be their friend. It goes like this, I see good qualities in a guy, usually because I think they are funny, and instead of saying to someone, "That guy is cool. I should get to know him," I say, "I like him. I think I shall marry him," and then it gets around to him and for some reason he runs away. I get it though. If you actually thought I was a stalker I should hope you would take serious precautions. Sometimes I want to say, "I don't even like YOU, I just like the Jesus in you, don't be so freaking flattered." Because it's true. I see the Jesus in a man and I'm like, "I LOVE him!" which should and will weird a guy out if some girl they barely know is saying she loves you (I don't actually do that, don't worry). All I can say is, I can't help loving Jesus. It just comes naturally to me. But you can't like all the boys all the time, it gets tiring. Believe me, I've tried (Grade 2). But I've always liked to keep my options open for whoever God might happen to bring my way. I am the opposite of picky. I walk around going, "Maybe it's him. Is it him? Could be that guy. Maybe not that guy, but then again, you never know." Hopefully keeping myself open will pay off eventually and I won't be an old lady on my death bed getting a crush on all my doctors and random male janitors who walk by: "Is it that guy? He's still got two hairs on his head. Looks like a winner to me!" Gotta keep hope alive though, right?

How to Be Positive About Anything Ever

If you haven't seen this video, go here.

People who have never been depressed don't understand it (something I find hard to believe. How have you never been depressed? Has nothing bad ever happened to you in your entire life? Did a leprechaun come down from leprechaun land and give you his lucky charms? Don't trust him. He's no good.) Well, good for you! Way to not know what it's like to feel like nobody in the world loves you and that your dog doesn't even care if you are laying there on the ground disemboweled begging for a glass of water (dog's aren't very good at getting glasses of water, but still, harsh). Way to be perfect. But for the rest of us people who have experienced depression, we usually don't want to talk about it because it's somehow embarrassing, like saying you have herpes. When your mentality is ill it's hard to be objective about it because it is inside your very being and when you ask your brain, "Are you depressed or is this just who I am?" your messed up brain is probably just like, "F U self!" It's like expecting the protagonist of a book to try and figure out what the author is thinking. Think about it. They say cognitive therapy is really important, learning how to train your mind to think positively (for example, when Peter Pan is depressed he can't visit his love Wendy because he can't fly and she is getting old really quick so he gets even more depressed in a vicious cycle of unhappy thoughts. If only he knew cognitive therapy...). Some people need antidepressants because their brain chemicals are all messed up. Whatever your doctor tells you, try to stay away from drugs that end in "caine," "roine," "eth," or "juana." It never works out as well as you think. I'm going to try my own brand of cognitive therapy, which will soon be a best-seller self-help book. Here is a sneak peak from my book How to Stay Positive About Anything Ever.

Missing: Hamsters

I have some sad news. The famous hamsters Chompo and Olivia have gone MIA. Right now they are either rotting in the garbage or having the time of their lives without me. I'm very upset and have decided to put up posters. I'm especially sad because I wanted to take Chompo and Olivia on a Halloween adventure like their Christmas one (Chompo and Olivia's Christmas Adventures). Here is the poster I made for them:

The Duck Award of Excellence

This post is pure diatribe. Pure, beautiful diatribe.

The Duck Award of Excellence

It's unfortunate but true: a lot of good literature doesn't make sense. It's like to be considered good a book must have attempted to make it as difficult as possible for their readers to understand what they are reading. I'm half kidding because I absolutely love painful old-school stuff like Shakespeare but Shakespeare has a good excuse for being difficult to understand: it's old. If it was difficult to understand then, everyone would have left the theatre frustrated and sent him to the guillotine (it was very violent back then). Many books that win awards are not very friendly to readers, though they may be doing all sorts of wonderful things like pushing boundaries and dealing with important subjects. But if I'm not enjoying a book, which doesn't mean it has to be a happy story or that it can't educate me on something, then what's the point? If I wanted to be educated on important topics only, I would just watch The Onion News. Seriously people. Many of the books I really love have not won any awards, or at least not the really important ones, like Christy, The Dwelling Place, Fortune's Rocks, I Capture the Castle, or fantasy book series like Dave Duncan's books, or CS Lewis The Chronicles of Narnia which do not necessarily have the most amazing writing in the history of the world, but they are the kind of stories that you get lost in. And there is nothing quite like getting lost in a book. Often I find I can't trust those little awards on books at all, I'll get all excited reading a book with an award, thinking, "This book can't possibly let me down, it won an award!" And then find myself feeling horrendously betrayed by the awards people when the books just plain sucks. Sadly, awards just can't be trusted. I believe the awards people are corrupt and give awards in exchange for bribes and personal favors (like those little kazoos in party favors or doing their laundry). I think there should fake awards for crappy books to warn readers. They could have a sticker with a picture of a duck on crutches and call it "The Duck Award of Excellence" and hope the authors don't notice the mini crutches. Only readers would secretly know it was a courtesy sticker that meant not to waste their precious reading time on such a lame book.

Naturopathic

A lot of people, Christians especially, are afraid of different approaches to medicine, such as naturopaths and acupuncture. And they're legitimate fears. Eastern medicine is often closely tied to, in my humble opinion, weird sh*t, pardon my political incorrectness. Whereas eastern culture is very spirit oriented, western culture is often obsessed with body, body, body (insert "Marsha, Marsha, Marsha" inflection). It's all, "Be fit! Eat healthy!" or, "Eat that Big Mac! Watch TV forever!" creating a deadly war between what you want and what's good for you, while forgetting that a healthy body with an unhealthy mind is fairly pointless, and a healthy body with a nonexistent spirit is fairly empty. But I do NOT believe that your spirit and your mind are the same thing. I believe your spirit is separate and pure and shouldn't be messed around with, so yes, you do have to be careful taking part in something that could have spiritual elements that you don't believe in.

This is me after acupuncture.

But bear with me if you don't believe in spirituality in the first place, because part of me doesn't either. I'm pretty skeptical when it comes to anything spiritual, unless it's related to Jesus, which isn't very convincing if you also don't believe in Jesus or God for that matter. We think it's easier separating body and mind than mind and spirit but that's just because our bodies are pretty hard to ignore. Bodies are like whiny, needy babies. They smell and hurt and are constantly reminding you that they are there. Right now my body is saying, "I have to pee," "I'm hungry," and "Get back to work." Oh, no wait, that's my boss. But most people go their whole lives without experiencing anything spiritual, and I mean spiritual to the point that you can't explain it away by anything you have ever known. But not all different approaches to medicine are bad. And instead of being afraid of them we should be aware of what they are really all about and stay clear of anything we don't agree with. And I'm not going to water it down for you. I truly believe there is a spiritual world out there warring for your soul and you are either on the right side, Jesus' side, or the wrong side, Satan's side, whether you know it or not. So no doubt you have to be careful what kind of things you take part in, because it's no joke. Well, that is----→

Campy

Every year I go to this weird cult thing called "camp" where I have gone since I was seven and where parents everywhere love to ship their children off for a week away from home so they can wonder what it would have been like if they never went down that road (Parenthood Rd). My parents shipped me off to a camp called Camp Imadene as a child and I will ship my future children off to camp in a generational cycle of party-time-for-parents. Little do the parents know that CAMP IS THE BEST THING EVER! Actually, I think they probably do know, but that's beside the point, I believe the children have won by subterfuge. As a child I looked forward to camp throughout the entire year. It was the quintessence of summer to me. One thing I do miss though is the Crow's Nest, a high tower with a big flotation ball on the bottom and a basket-like nest on top, maybe twenty feet up, that sat in the lake. You'd climb up into the nest and rock it back and forth until it touched the water and swung like a pendulum to the other side. It freaked the heck out of me, but it was worth it. And then it sunk. I think it may still be at the bottom of the lake and kind of hope it is because I have an unrealistic dream to resurrect it.

I love the safari cutouts because I never get
to see them with the older camps.

Just to get one thing straight, if there was a fight to the death between all the camps in all the universes, the camp that would beat them all would be Camp Imadene. It is the best place on earth, and I am one of the lucky few who have discovered the secret. Therefore I cannot divulge its whereabouts. But I can tell you that Mesachie Lake is the most beautiful lake in the world and that when it comes to camps, smaller is usually better, regardless of whether other camps have cooler stuff. Imadene could consist of a straw hut and a row-boat and it would still be the best camp ever. Call me biased.... because I am. The crazy thing is that Imadene now owns the mountain across the lake as well as the property on the other side of the road (they're trying their hand at world domination...). But it isn't that, and it isn't the canoeing, climbing wall, repelling, wakeboarding, tubing or BMX track, it's the entire camp atmosphere. You walk onto that camp and you feel love, pure and simple. And I can tell you why - before entering the camp grounds two old wooden signs sway in the wind, one says, "Camp Imadene," the other says, "Bible Camp." That's why. Because Camp Imadene is a Bible Camp.

Bike or Die

You'll notice the bikers on signs never have helmets on.
What kind of message is that sending to the children?

You have to possess great humility to be a biker. No, not a motorbiker with their sweet leather X-Men suits and spaceman helmets. A bicyclebiker. With their spandex and saddlebags and aerodynamic head gear. Riding the Galloping Goose every day, I see many flavors of bikers. But after some obtuse observations I find most bicyclers fit into two groups: those embracing the humble experience that is bikerdom, and those awkwardly fighting against it (or looking really cool, in which case I hate them). But if you're going to bother to bike, you might as well embrace it. Yes, it means wearing a helmet. I sometimes wonder if people who don't wear helmets when they bike think that their heads are made of extra special strong material, like maybe they've been injected with adamantium. That might be more realistic if they were riding a motorbike in an X-Men suit. Somehow I can't imagine Wolverine riding a bicycle.

My List of Frees

I am very pleased that Canada Post is finally off their strike. I regret that the children at the Post factory had to be forced back to work by their parents, but I am thankful that the result means that my free Fruit Loops t-shirt from my cereal box codes will finally be in the mail. Like a cruel twist of fate, however, I did not get my t-shirt in time to actually eat Fruit Loops while wearing my special mail-order Fruit Loops t-shirt because I've just started a new wheat-free, sugar-free diet.

But I did find these awesome pictures of Kellogg's old-school cereal "Sugar Smacks" over the years. This is probably the creepest cereal known to man. Notice the frog in the picture says, "Gimme a smack!" which obviously means the cereal is laced with smack, and after a couple days of eating a bowl for breakfast, I'm sure the marketers thought putting a picture of Spock pointing a gun at the children consuming their sugar-coated cocaine was a great idea. And freakish clowns, of course, are always a safe option. But why am I starting a new wheat-free, sugar-free diet? You know what? That's private.

Song of Solomon Pick-Up Lines

I dedicate this post to Claire Kingston for her birthday, an amazing girl who deserves the best. May the man that wins your heart woo you with words as rich as Solomon's and give you lots of  XOXOXOXOXOXOXXOXOXOXOX's

To see the secret birthday message above, highlight the pink lines.

I told you there would be more of Solomon to come (see the bottom of my last post Things People in Charge Didn't Tell You). It's a matter of trust. Slowly I am building that trust between us like a magnificent eagle builds trust with, well, no one. Eagles don't trust anyone. Eagles will pretend they are trustworthy and then eat you. Did you know a harpy eagle can crush a human skull with one of its talon? Of course, there has never been a reported incident of an eagle attacking a human but that's because an eagle has crushed their skull. I'd like to see you try and report something after your skull has been crushed by an eagle. Yeah, not so high and mighty now are you? What I was trying to get across with that metaphor is that by taking small steps to gain your trust, I will soon have you under my complete control and you will learn to trust me with your very life.

But not your soul. That would be blasphemous.

If you don't know, "Song of Songs" is a book in the Bible written by King Solomon, a guy God gave the gift of wisdom. I don't question the fact that he was wise just because his pick-up lines were odd, I question the woman he was writing to. Either the female sex in Biblical times was easily flattered or this girl was one of a kind. Here is a good commentary if you're interested: http://www.westarkchurchofchrist.org/library/songofsongs.htm. It's actually a beautiful love story of a girl who has to choose between a king who only wants her for her body but who can give her anything, and a shepherd who truly loves her. And it makes for some attention-grabbing, horrendously original pick-up lines.



This video is credited to Luke Taylor for bringing it to my attention. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Things the People in Charge Didn't Tell You

Your first question must be, “Who are these so-called people in charge who aren’t telling me things?” And your second must be, “What aren’t they telling me?” I’m afraid I can’t answer either of those questions.

Just kidding. I can answer the second one, but I’m not sure I have a definitive answer on the first one. In fact, I’m not even sure who is in charge, let alone which people in charge are keeping secrets from us. But I’ll bet a lot of money that one of them is Donald Trump. I am still recovering from the disappointment of Trump un-running for office. Half of my brain isn’t functioning properly so I think that means I’m still in a state of shock. I mean everyone’s so hard on the guy and I feel for him - his reality show sucks, he has a terrible comb-over, which means he is either bald or likes comb-overs, which is weird, and hopefully he got his money back for his bad tan job. Not that he needs it, the guy has a jillion dollars and still nobody likes him.

Petite Lap Giraffes

I'm sure some of you might already know about this phenomenon in the pet sector, but you might not know all the amazing details.

Baby petite lap giraffe

What is the number one thing you would like more than anything in the world? Yes, I thought so. But how likely is it that a giraffe will be an acceptable pet in your living quarters? ...Negotiable. But there is a solution. I present to you the Petite Lap Giraffe:

I'm all for exotic pets and making them live in the domestic bliss of a cage within a bigger cage, er, I mean, house, but you might be thinking, "This is going too far." And it is. Sokoblovsky Farms, "Russia's finest purveyors of petite lap giraffes," says different and once you have a chance to learn a little about the species, I think you will realize it is a perfectly appropriate pet. I will begin at their very origins, "It all started when Great Grandfather Nicolas escaped circus with best friend Alex, the giraffe. The rest they say is history." There's the bull Vladimir and the cows Raina and Svetlana, and hopefully I don't have to go into detail about how that process works because it makes me uncomfortable.

Cornelius for Prime Minister

So I was hoping to publish this last week, as you know, it would be a lot more helpful, but ce la vis, or, at least, ce la me. Anyway, it's still pertinent information and though it didn't help you when you really needed it, at least it will help you know what you did wrong.

I'm not much for politics. They are stupid. But somehow it seems irresponsible not to be interested in my future and the future of my future children (it's all very futuristic), so I've decided I better do some research. But I'm confused. It seems like all the party leaders are sincere when they make their promises, and heck, it's not like they are promising world peace or the end of world hunger, their promises seem pretty doable, but then I guess they don't pinky swear. Well, after researching for some time I found out that the different political groups are called "parties." Sounds fun, right? Wrong. There is no fun-fun-party-time in politics. It is a great misnomer and I'm surprised it hasn't come up in the political debates before. I've decided they should be called "nonparties" and will heretofore refer to them only as such. Secondly, I've found out that the Conservative Nonparty is currently in power, but I'm hoping we can give another nonparty a chance because I believe in sharing. And from what I can see, the nonparties that are real contenders for the throne are the Conservatives, Liberals and NDP...s...

Conservatives 

Apparently the guy to the right holding a kitten is our Prime Minister. Seriously. At first impression, that picture made me want to vote him back into office because the kitten is so cute it distracts you from thinking it through logically, but then I realized that the picture is screaming one thing and one thing only: weakness. So I can never vote for him now because, as I'm sure you know, I despise weak leaders.

Mobster Babies

This is why I wish I had a twin. We would have had the best conversations in the history of the world.



Didn't quite catch that? Here's the translated version by an expert translator.



I believe this particular translation is 99% accurate (I only get my information from the best sources money can buy so you know I can be trusted. Plus, you are always free to check their legitimacy by clicking here).

The Adventures of Chompo and Olivia: Downsizing

I'm just in the middle of moving. It's horrible. Don't do it. The worst part about moving isn't how much work it is, or the fact that I am leaving the home I have lived in for my entire life, but that the place I am moving into is even smaller than the place I have now. And that's saying something. Downsizing is always painful, but downsizing to the point where I have to give up my entire collection of stuffed animals? That, my friend, is cruel. You may say I am too old to have stuffies. If you did, I would have to use great self-control not to attack you with angry words. You are never too old to have stuffies, especially if they are the ones you have had for many years and have already pared down as much as possible without losing your soul in the process. How can I possibly say goodbye to such innocent, vulnerable creatures, wholly dependent on my love? How do you tell someone, that you care about deeply, you're going away forever? Gently? With a rose? In a funny way? Like it's a hilarious joke? Or do you just let it go. Because saying it would just make it worse... Probably the funny way.

If you didn't get that it was courtesy of Michael Scott from The Office. Except instead of "how do you tell someone you're going away forever," he says, "how do you tell someone I told you so."

This is how: through the mediation of hamsters. You may know these particular hamsters from Chompo and Olivia's Christmas Adventures in which they first became famous.

The Adventures of Chompo and Olivia: Downsizing

Chompo and Olivia were moving. Pack, pack, pack, chomp, chomp, chomp (oops that was Chompo biting one of the boxes, hamsters are not very good packers), when suddenly they heard desperate, squeaky voices that chilled them to the hamster bone.

Dear Simon Baker

There was a dark time in my life where I became overwhelmed by school and work and in a successful attempt to avoid my real world responsibilities I obsessively watched fake lives on TV. It was fantastic. For a time. But it meant the homework I was finding too intimidating to do, simply didn't get done. I nearly failed a class and was deeply ashamed of it. One of the shows I was watching was The Mentalist. In my desperate, fragile, emotional state, I immediately fell in love with Patrick Jane. You can't help loving his egotistical insensitivity (which in real life would make me kick him in the groin and call him a heartless douche bag) so why fight it? I wanted to hold him and tell him I alone understood his deep, suppressed pain over his murdered wife and child. 

All-Stars to the Rescue

This post is dedicated to the Public Service Announcements of the world. What would we do without you? I would be on crack cocaine right now if it weren't for the important morals taught me via TV public service announcements. I missed the amazing moral-lesson craze that happened in cartoons in the 80's, but I definitely saw some of them afterward and got a taste of it in Sesame Street. Here is one awesome cartoon movie you may or may not remember depending on whether you were older than 3 years old when it came out: Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue, courtesy of Tyler Woolley.

It was a cartoon television special in 1990 aimed at drug prevention that McDonald's put on (it's okay though, doing drugs is obviously worse than eating food full of hormones, so it's not as hypocritical as at first it may seem.) It's got all the popular cartoons, a motley crew from blue men (they always seem to come up, see my post Old Spice Sesame-ed) to aliens to Slimer, which they had to get permission from all of them to use (er... well, they were supposed to). It was simulcast on all three major American television networks and the VHS edition opened with an intro from President George H. W. Bush and Barbara Bush. Hold up, an ex-President of the United States of America introduced this show? AND the ex-First Lady? Now you have no choice. Maybe you don't know this but it is against the law not to watch anything that the President, in particular any of the Bush family of presidents, has personally endorsed, whether or not you are an American citizen or not. Not watching it is not an option at this point.

Pipe Dream

Yay! When I search "Faith'sbook" in Google now, it comes up with my blog first! Before it only came up with Christian sites trying to be clever, referring to faith as some sort of book when obviously "Faith'sbook" is a genius play on Facebook and my name. 

But, we can't all be geniuses.

This guy has issues.

Anyway, this post is supposed to be all about dreams. Not the kind you have when you go to sleepy-time land, the other kind that express your deepest, darkest desires. I have a lot of those - riding a unicorn, having a slide in my house that goes from my bedroom to the kitchen downstairs, getting an acceptance letter from Hogwarts, marrying Batman, owning a pet tiger that I can communicate with like my own personal daemon from The Golden Compass - you know, fairly average. But some people would like nothing more than to toss these particular types of dreams into the "pipe" variety. They would, however, be wrong and malicious people and would do better to pipe down, pardon the pun (but did you notice it?). Seriously though, have you ever wondered why a dream is called a "pipe" dream? No, it's not, as I previously assumed, because of the crazy ideas that come from inhaling drugs out of a pipe, example: Alice in Wonderland. No, it's because of that awesome old computer game "Pipe Mania" where you have to put together pieces of sewer drain before the nuclear waste comes and destroys the village, mutating the animals and children. Just like that, a dream that has a low probability of coming true is like trying to get ahead of that never-ending flow of TMNT ooze (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle for the unhip). It's just not likely. At some point you have to accept that the children will become mutants, be it turtle-boys with nun-chucks or wolverine's with shiny knuckle-knives that defy the whole "don't run with scissors" rule.

Ode to the Biebs

 Biebs is the best. His talent is mind boggling and he has a stage presence that makes the Queen weak at the knees. And can you believe he's only twelve? So much accomplished for a child star.

You see, he has something so many musicians don't have, nice hair. But to the Biebs everything comes naturally. He has both charm and charisma (p.s. those are the same thing). But more importantly, he is a gentleman and a scholar, as proved below. So this is my ode to Justin Bieber. Yes, I caught the Bieber train, and while I was on that train I caught Bieber Fever from the guy sitting next to me and died singing, "I was like, baby, baby, baby, OH!"

Dearest Dave Wallace

 February 4, 2011  

 Dearest Dave Wallace, 

         Why are you so famous now? Question: if I gave you a hug would I catch whatever disease you have that brought you to sudden fame and glory? What's it like to be on international television? Okay, so it was the local news, but still, if the whole world happened to be in Victoria then you WOULD be televised internationally, or, which is more likely, if every nationality were represented in Victoria (which it pretty much is) and happened to be watching the local news, then called all their family in far away countries, it would be pretty much synonymous with international television.

You Win... Special Snack!

Yay! I won!!! Yesterday I got a present in the mail from Luna and Larry, the maker's of Coconut Bliss. I had submitted a post, Cocowhat?, to their "Share Your Bliss" contest in November last year and... victory! Okay so I'm pretty sure a large group of people were chosen, possibly every single person who entered, regardless of quality, but I am going to pretend that I am special.

Yay! I'm special!!! What does it feel like to be a winner? Well when I was a little girl I won a coloring contest with a rec center and I colored that Easter bunny so good it was like he was ALIVE, which was possibly the only time I had ever been acknowledged for my amazing skills. Until now! So, both these experiences taken into consideration, victory feels like awesome in a tub of ice-cream made from coconut milk... 

Geek, Dweeb, Nerd, Dork

The famous Steve Urkel, nerd, geek or dork?

There is an ongoing discussion I have with a previous coworker who will remain nameless,* about the difference between a geek, dork and nerd. It actually started way earlier last year between my brother,** the nameless person Matt and another nameless person.*** We looked up the definitions and tried to use examples in our own world to put them into context, such as World of Warcraft, but as soon as you think you have it under control World of Warcraft suddenly seems just as dorky as it is geeky, or is it nerdy? Well, don't stress over it because it's probably all of the above. You can be a geek and still act like a dork and do nerdy things. You can be a dork and have moments of geekhood which you will forever look back to as the prime of your life. You can be a nerd with traces of dork and then later in life transform into a beautiful geek-swan. Truth be told they're pretty much interchangeable. Here are the definitions I got from Dictionary.com and I promise you, I did not make any of the below definitions up, no matter how ridiculous they seem. I have added dweeb and spod because I believe it is important to the discussion and necessary to really get a grasp of these terms in all their glory.

* Matt

** Josh

*** Murray

Lego: Artwork, Repairs, or Both?

I have to give the credit for this post to my pastor. Anyone can include Lego in their sermon, but how many can do it successfully? Think about it.

The Art of the Brick

I'm no psychologist, but I think Nathan Sawaya might 
have some closeted feelings he's trying to get out.

To keep with my Lego theme (refer to post Star Wars and The Matrix in Lego), these are the works of Nathan Sawaya which can be found on his website The Art of the Brick, and they are all lifesize. They also may or may not be real people buried alive in a Lego coating. That would explain why they are so good, but I have not been able to get confirmation on that yet. If somebody emailed me asking, "Do you use real dead people in your art? 'Cause that's not cool," I would be sure to respond right away, so as not to go to prison.

Have You Been Schooled Lately?

I love shkool.

Our society says education is really important. You can’t get a good job if you aren't schooled. But then they school you by making you pay a million dollars to go to school. Then, when you can’t foot the bill because you don’t have a good job because you don’t have the schooling, they might let you take out a student loan, depending on whether your parents were nice enough to make under a certain amount of money but not nice enough to make enough money to pay for it. Then there are the really unlucky souls whose parents make more than enough to pay for school but they want to punish their child for all the pain and suffering they've caused. But what happens after you take out a student loan and you’re done all your schooling? Well, you’ve got thousands to pay off and not nearly as many job prospects as they pretend. I bet they didn't tell you they were playing pretend, did they? Maybe they don't know that when you're playing pretend you have to say, "Pretend you're the dad and I'm the mom and Jimmy's the baby," and then Jimmy will say, "Why do I have to be the baby?" And you'll say, "Just because, Jimmy, just because." The good news is that with any luck you might be able to get that good paying job that you couldn’t before. The bad news is that for the first decade of your life any money you think you are making doesn’t actually belong to you. You are not working for your livelihood, you are working for the schooling you had to take in order to get that job.

A Whole New Year

The only New Year’s resolution I ever managed to pull off was in 1997 when I resolved to hold my pencil like a grown-up. I can now safely say I no longer hold my pencil like a two-year-old with a crayon. As a rule, I try not to make New Year’s resolutions unless they are things I know I can easily achieve, which by nature are things I don’t really care much about to begin with. The things I really care about usually take a lot more effort. This year I half-heartedly resolved to work on my punctuality, but that is a pretty big resolution and we all know big picture things done half-heartedly rarely work out. In case you didn't know, I was actually born in the wrong era (refer to my post Tardiness). With that kind of ambiguous resolution do you fail the first time you are late in the New Year? Or is it a total of all the times you are late versus all the times you are punctual? Are you a double failure if the very first day back to work you are tardy? No reason.

Chompo and Olivia's Christmas Adventures

I would like to introduce to you my hamster friends, Chompo and Olivia. I gave them to my mother for Christmas and then decided to capture their fun with my Grade A camera skills. Chompo got his name from the Chompo bar in the book A Birthday for Frances by Russell Hogan. Like Frances' Chompo bar, he fits in your hand perfectly and makes you want to squish him a little and sing a song about it. These are their Christmas adventures.

Chompo and Olivia's Christmas Adventures

'Twas the night before Christmas, and Chompo and Olivia always read 'Twas the Night Before Christmas on the night before Christmas. This particular version was about a mouse family. They felt they could relate to mice more than people.

Old Spice Sesame-ed

Okay so you might have seen this already, but there's no logical reason why you shouldn't see it again. It's an oldie but a goodie as they say (geeks, I mean. Geeks say that).