Friday, October 28, 2011

Missing: Hamsters

I have some sad news. The famous hamsters Chompo and Olivia have gone MIA. Right now they are either rotting in the garbage or having the time of their lives without me. I'm very upset and have decided to put up posters. I'm especially sad because I wanted to take Chompo and Olivia on a Halloween adventure like their Christmas one (Chompo and Olivia's Christmas Adventures). Here is the poster I made for them:

Do you think I should file a missing person's report? The cops might not appreciate the importance of these two particular hamsters. But I'm thinking of having a search party and guess what? You're invited! BYOF (Bring Your Own Flashlight). I'm kind of an amateur at hosting these kinds of parties, though. Do you have to provide snacks at a search party? Are balloons to be expected? I would imagine if you want your search to be successful you should provide sustenance and festive surroundings for the searchers. No one likes a grumpy search party, especially if you're the one who's lost. You don't want to get yelled at for getting lost in the wilderness after just surviving a torrential rain storm and killing animals with your bare hands to stay alive. You also don't want to finally find the missing person but be so hungry and faint that you can't help them and they have to send out a search party to search for the search party, like that game Sardines. It's just like hide and seek but when you find them you have stay there until everyone is squished in a small spot like sardines in a can waiting for the last person to find them. What a stupid game. As if that would happen in real life. Unless, of course, in the scenario I just mentioned. In that scenario, if you didn't die in the wilderness with the lost person you would die of humiliation. The new search party would find you and be like, "Hey, aren't you a search party? Wait, are you dying?" and you'd be on the ground, shivering and wasting away, and saying, "Well I was searching for the missing person and got such low blood sugar I couldn't walk anymore and had to wait for someone to report me missing so that another search party could come find me, the original search party." It wouldn't say much of your search party skills now would it.

I last saw Chompo and Olivia on moving day, which doesn't bode well seeing as that was in May and it is now nearly November, but at the same time, it may quite simply mean they are still in a box somewhere. It also means it's a little late in the game for the kidnapping thing. They say you have around 48 hours before the chances of finding the kidnappees become next to nil. It's all very suspicious, however, because all my stuffies were put together in a big, black garbage bag (see The Adventures of Chompo and Olivia: Downsizing) and I was positive Chompo and Olivia were in there too. I asked my other stuffies if they knew of their whereabouts and they said their memory of the move is all very fuzzy. Bear said, and I quote, "It was dark and scary and jumbley and I think I heard hamster voices above the hubbub but Rabbit said it was just the wind." I'm starting to think Chompo and Olivia may have committed a murder and are on the run from the law. In which case I have made a new poster for them.

Preferably alive.

Who am I going to dress up in ridiculous costumes now??? Oh, yeah. I forgot I have innocent dogs at my disposal just waiting for someone to victimize them (don't worry, I won't dispose of them but I will dress them up mercilessly) .

The better question is, why do I voluntarily victimize myself by dressing up in ridiculous costumes? I once dressed up as a clown three years in a row for Halloween when I was little. I guess I didn't have much imagination then. And I wondered why all the other kids were afraid of me... I think my favorite Halloween costume, however, was when I dressed up as Recycleman and covered myself in recycled products like cardboard, pop cans and plastic and wore a "Reduce, Reuse, Recycle" sign. It served the dual purpose of sending a message and costing no money and little effort = the perfect costume idea if you were still looking for one. You're welcome.

P.S. There's a new poll at the bottom of the page! What would be your ideal mode of transport from life to the afterlife?

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