Thursday, June 23, 2011

Song of Solomon Pick-Up Lines

I dedicate this post to Claire Kingston for her birthday, an amazing girl who deserves the best. May the man that wins your heart woo you with words as rich as Solomon's and give you lots of  XOXOXOXOXOXOXXOXOXOXOX's

To see the secret birthday message above, highlight the pink lines.

I told you there would be more of Solomon to come (see the bottom of my last post Things People in Charge Didn't Tell You). It's a matter of trust. Slowly I am building that trust between us like a magnificent eagle builds trust with, well, no one. Eagles don't trust anyone. Eagles will pretend they are trustworthy and then eat you. Did you know a harpy eagle can crush a human skull with one of its talon? Of course, there has never been a reported incident of an eagle attacking a human but that's because an eagle has crushed their skull. I'd like to see you try and report something after your skull has been crushed by an eagle. Yeah, not so high and mighty now are you? What I was trying to get across with that metaphor is that by taking small steps to gain your trust, I will soon have you under my complete control and you will learn to trust me with your very life.

But not your soul. That would be blasphemous.

If you don't know, "Song of Songs" is a book in the Bible written by King Solomon, a guy God gave the gift of wisdom. I don't question the fact that he was wise just because his pick-up lines were odd, I question the woman he was writing to. Either the female sex in Biblical times was easily flattered or this girl was one of a kind. Here is a good commentary if you're interested: It's actually a beautiful love story of a girl who has to choose between a king who only wants her for her body but who can give her anything, and a shepherd who truly loves her. And it makes for some attention-grabbing, horrendously original pick-up lines.

This video is credited to Luke Taylor for bringing it to my attention. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Things the People in Charge Didn't Tell You

Your first question must be, “Who are these so-called people in charge who aren’t telling me things?” And your second must be, “What aren’t they telling me?” I’m afraid I can’t answer either of those questions.

Just kidding. I can answer the second one, but I’m not sure I have a definitive answer on the first one. In fact, I’m not even sure who is in charge, let alone which people in charge are keeping secrets from us. But I’ll bet a lot of money that one of them is Donald Trump. I am still recovering from the disappointment of Trump un-running for office. Half of my brain isn’t functioning properly so I think that means I’m still in a state of shock. I mean everyone’s so hard on the guy and I feel for him - his reality show sucks, he has a terrible comb-over, which means he is either bald or likes comb-overs, which is weird, and hopefully he got his money back for his bad tan job. Not that he needs it, the guy has a jillion dollars and still nobody likes him.