Cornelius for Prime Minister

So I was hoping to publish this last week, as you know, it would be a lot more helpful, but ce la vis, or, at least, ce la me. Anyway, it's still pertinent information and though it didn't help you when you really needed it, at least it will help you know what you did wrong.

I'm not much for politics. They are stupid. But somehow it seems irresponsible not to be interested in my future and the future of my future children (it's all very futuristic), so I've decided I better do some research. But I'm confused. It seems like all the party leaders are sincere when they make their promises, and heck, it's not like they are promising world peace or the end of world hunger, their promises seem pretty doable, but then I guess they don't pinky swear. Well, after researching for some time I found out that the different political groups are called "parties." Sounds fun, right? Wrong. There is no fun-fun-party-time in politics. It is a great misnomer and I'm surprised it hasn't come up in the political debates before. I've decided they should be called "nonparties" and will heretofore refer to them only as such. Secondly, I've found out that the Conservative Nonparty is currently in power, but I'm hoping we can give another nonparty a chance because I believe in sharing. And from what I can see, the nonparties that are real contenders for the throne are the Conservatives, Liberals and NDP...s...

Conservatives 

Apparently the guy to the right holding a kitten is our Prime Minister. Seriously. At first impression, that picture made me want to vote him back into office because the kitten is so cute it distracts you from thinking it through logically, but then I realized that the picture is screaming one thing and one thing only: weakness. So I can never vote for him now because, as I'm sure you know, I despise weak leaders.

Anyway, this is the Conservative platform:  

• Creating jobs through training, trade and low taxes.
• Supporting families through our Family Tax Cut and more support for seniors and caregivers.
• Eliminating the deficit by 2014-2015 by controlling spending and cutting waste.
• Making our streets safe through new laws to protect children and the elderly.
• Standing on guard for Canada by investing in the development of Canada’s North, cracking down on human smuggling and strengthening the Canadian Armed Forces. 

I got this from their website, conservative.ca. It's a pretty boring website. I don't recommend it.

Liberals 

I then took a look at the liberal side of things. The guy to the left (how appropriate. If you didn't get why that was appropriate then it is a good thing you are reading this blog post), Michael Ignatieff, is supposed to be their boss, and he seems pretty arrogant because he's all, "I'm the only alternative. If you don't choose Harper, you have no choice but to choose me," which actually sounds a lot like, "Pick me! Pick me!" But he sure doesn't look too confident with that cat. I don't know which is worse: being afraid of cats (which suggests a certain "chump" quality) or flashing a cheesy smile while stroking a kitten (which screams "weakling"). Anyway, this is a nice chart I found as part of the Liberal platform, from their website, liberal.ca. 

New Democrats

Then there is the New Democratic Party. What happened to the Old Democrats you ask? No idea. I was under the impression that our government was a democracy, so if the NDP are democrats, what are the Liberals and Conservatives? Obviously they are Republicans. (It's all coming together now.) The NDP head honcho is Jack Layton and he has a fantastic mustache. His mustache says, "I am trustworthy, you should respect me." And you know what? It works. If I decide to vote for him it will be based solely on that mustache. That mustache is the exact opposite of Stephen Harper's kitten and Michael Ignatieff's cat-phobia. The funny thing is that the picture of him in a Star Trek outfit must be at least twenty years old, but he has the same mustache, just slightly browner. It is like his mustache is a permanent part of him. I'm pretty sure he came out of the womb with that mustache. Below is part of the NDP platform on their website ndp.ca:

I even went so far as to read a couple articles about the different nonparties. For example this one called, "This election could just be surprisingly surprising" by Brian Topp from the Globe and Mail. You can read it here if you want, but I wouldn't bother, I've copied the best bits. He says, "The main point is that Mr. Ignatieff was forced to pick a process argument with Mr. Harper because on all substantive points he agrees with Mr. Harper's policies. Mr. Ignatieff supports the wars in Iraq, Afghanistan and Libya (he has spent time to the right of Mr. Harper on some of these). He provided Mr. Harper with the votes he needed to implement his corporate tax cuts. He agrees with Mr. Harper's environmental policies, notably as they apply to tar-sands development. And as a philosophical progressive conservative at best, Mr. Ignatieff is no more credible than Mr. Harper as a defender of public health care or public pensions." This is what he has to say about Mr. Moustacheo, "Unlike Mr. Ignatieff, Mr. Layton does not agree with Mr. Harper's policies and did not instruct his caucus to support them in Parliament. So he could offer a detailed and credible critique of Mr. Harper's policies – his own contempt for Parliament; his failure to address the environment; the fact that he is an opponent of public medicare, as Canada heads into crucial negotiations over health funding; the fact that Mr. Harper's "pay the rich and everyone else will benefit" economic policies are our economy's problem, not the solution." So all in all, we can be pretty sure Brian Topp is not voting for Harper.

The Other Guys

Please excuse the language. It was just too pithy.

Then there's the other guys (it's a funny movie, you should watch it). The Green Nonparty (greenparty.ca), with Elizabeth May as their leader, is probably the king of the other guys (or queen?), because they are still pretty important. At first I simply assumed their number one priority was legalizing marijuana or something, as they're obviously all complete hippies, but then I realized they are not just about marijuana, they are mostly about caring for the environment and being sustainable. I am mostly a hippie, so I should probably vote for my fellow granola people, but then again it's not very likely they will get the crown, and I want my vote to be the winning vote. That's what it's all about it, right? Right??? 

But it gets even more complicated. I found out about other so-called nonparties you never hear about which you can actually vote for, like the Communist Nonparty because, you know, that's always worked out well, and the Libertarian Nonparty. What is a Libertarian, you ask? Well I imagine the name came into existence kind of like this: "What should we call ourselves Bob?" and Bob's like, "Well, we can't call ourselves Liberals, that ones taken Jim," and Jim's like, "What about Libertarians?" and Debbie Downer's like, "Is that even a word?" and they ignore her and make it their official name. And that's how the word Libermatarian came into being. Then there's the Pirate Nonparty which I think should include a disclaimer such as, "The Pirate Nonparty of Canada, Not Real Pirates From the Sea." 

Now which to choose. The Weakling? Mr. Arrogant Pants? Mustache Man? The Tree Huggers? The Pirates? And then I found it. The Rhinoceros Party, which is, believe it or not, a registered party of Canada, and for once actually merits the name of “party,” also, strangely, "rhinoceros." On their website neorhino.ca, they state, "The first promise that we have not kept is the promise not to keep our promises." The leader of the Rhino Party is Cornelius the First, a rhinoceros from the Granby Zoo. I found most of my information from Wikipedia, for instance, to strengthen Canada's military, the Rhinos plan to tow Antarctica north to the Arctic Circle. "Once we have Antarctica, we'll control all of the world's cold. If another Cold War starts, we'll be unbeatable." Their logic is impenetrable. Wikipedia also told me that in the 1988 election, the Rhinoceros Party ran a candidate named John Turner in the same riding as Liberal leader John Turner, and received 760 votes. The Rhino Party also declared that, should they somehow actually win an election, they would immediately dissolve and force a second election because they love elections so much. 

Their promises include:

  -Repealing the law of gravity

  -Providing higher education by building taller schools

  -Instituting English, French and illiteracy as Canada's three official languages

  -Abolishing the environment because it's too hard to keep clean and it takes up so much space

  -Annexing the United States, which would take its place as the third territory in Canada's backyard (after the Yukon and the Northwest Territories -- Nunavut did not yet exist), in order to eliminate foreign control of Canada's natural resources

  -Ending crime by abolishing all laws

  -Selling the Canadian Senate at an antique auction in California

  -Putting the national debt on Visa

  -Banning guns and butter, since both kill

  -Banning lousy Canadian winters

  -Counting the Thousand Islands to see if the Americans have stolen any

  -Declaring war on Belgium because a Belgian cartoon character, Tintin, killed a rhinoceros in one of the cartoons

  -Offering to call off the proposed Belgium-Canada war if Belgium delivered a case of mussels and a case of Belgian beer to Rhinoceros "Hindquarters" in Montreal (the Belgian Embassy in Ottawa did, in fact, do this)

  -Men would be allowed to work as prostitutes, wet nurses, secretaries and receptionists

  -Candidate Graham Ashley, standing in Ottawa-Vanier, pledged to take Canada off the Gold Standard, and implement a Snow Standard, which would improve the economy until the summer

  -The Rhinoceros Party pledge to eliminate small businesses, and replace them with very small business, having less than one employee

So now you are informed. You're welcome.