Monday, February 20, 2012

The Weak Shop

"The first rule of Mustache Club is...
don't be in Mustache Club."
If you suffer from weakness or back pain or tiredness or are plagued with general sloth, this blog post is for you! I would like to promote some "weak" products that you might find helpful as a fellow sufferer. As you may know from previous posts or from real life interaction (if you don't know what that is you should join a club. At UVic they have clubs for everything: Knitting club, Anime club, Gluten-Free club, Quidditch club, Pokemon club, Tree Climbing club. It doesn't matter how socially awkward you are, they have a club for you) I have back, knee and hip problems so I've started seeing a chiropractor. As in he is fixing my back - though I do have secret intentions for marriage that he doesn't know about. He's in competition with my pharmacist. When I go get my anti-crazy pills I say to my parents, "I'm just going to see my boyfriend to get some drugs!" and they understand exactly what I mean, though sometimes they are a little concerned. I keep meaning to find out my future pharmacist husband's schedule because lately I haven't seen him. He is probably avoiding me. By virtue of getting drugs from him, he now knows I am mentally unstable. He also knows I have a malfunctioning bowel because I once had to ask him where the psyllium husks were and he directed me to the old people's aisle... right next to the Depends. If he ends up rejecting me I will just bounce back with, "Oh yeah? Well how come it always takes the pharmacists so long to get my pills? Is it the counting? They get to twenty-nine and the phone rings and they have to start over again?" I am full of good insults.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Big Mouth Betty (Debby Downer's BFF)

I am a faulty machine. If you bought me, hopefully you kept the receipt. For instance, sometimes I have a big mouth. No, I don't mean the actual size of it, though it is large. Actually my mouth isn't so large as my gums are ginormous. When I smile it is equal parts gum and teeth. Some might say large gums are not aesthetically pleasing, and although I haven't yet had a dentist say, "You're lucky, you have large gums," I prefer thinking of them as well-endowed. I imagine that some day I will be old and have no teeth, and then I will be happy that I have such large gums to fill up my smile. What was I saying? Something to do with talking too much... Oh right, what I actually meant by having a  big mouth was that I say things without thinking. They call me Big Mouth Betty (fortunately no one's ever called me that). She's best friends with Debby Downer. I wish I could say that at least I mean well. Unfortunately when you say something without thinking, you don't have time to sneak good intentions behind your words and use that as an excuse. And telling someone you mean well instead of apologizing is about as effective as telling someone you didn't mean it. Didn't you? Didn't you? Then there are the times where you actually do mean well but you still shouldn't have said it. You may have been thinking before you spoke, but you were thinking of bunny rabbits. These are some of the ways it happens:
  1. I want to be funny, so I say something slightly hurtful but hilarious.
  2. I have this desire to share things with people but some things are not mine to share.
  3. I like to talk.
  4. I usually think I am right (I usually am) and so I argue for no reason (except to prove your ignorance, obviously).
  5. I am always overtired and when I get irritable sometimes bad things come out.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

The Second to Last Unicorn

I tried to read The Last Unicorn by Peter S. Beagle which was written in the late 60's, probably the best time in history to write something about unicorns, but I couldn't finish it. I'm so mad because he totally stole the title for the book I'm writing. I just hope the title "The Second to Last Unicorn" is still available. I heard about the book from someone in my writing class who asked me what kind of books I like to read (I said I liked fantasy, the classics like Dickens and Austen, as well as pretty much any good fiction). And she recommended it. Who was I to argue? I mean besides the fact that it's one of my favorite love-hate pastimes (arguing). But I didn't actually think the book would be from the perspective of a unicorn. Let me give you a glimpse into the mind of a unicorn. "Hi, I'm a unicorn. I eat grass and sparkles. I'm spiky. And magic!" But maybe I am going about this the wrong way. Maybe if I read it as a kid's book, I would be like, "Whoa, what a good book," like the first Harry Potter book. I know some people didn't like the first one as much as the later ones, mainly because the first is written as a kid's book, and the later ones are more young adult (I think I would pee my pants if I read the later ones as a kid, but so many kids do! I mean read them, but the other also applies). I happen to love the first Harry Potter for its good editing and polished writing. I find the more I develop my own writing, the harder it is to read some of my favorite books, as well as the fact that I'm reading them as an adult. It is one of those sad facts of life, that things you love as a child just don't hold up as an adult. My favorite is rewatching movies I watched as a kid and thinking it was a good thing I didn't understand half the things they were talking about. It's like finding out the trusted mounties are actually just corrupt, sexist cowboys. And that's why I love unicorns. They can't be corrupted. They poop rainbows.