Friday, May 25, 2012

Or that time I..

Just remembering some funny moments. Like that time I lost my balance standing on the bus and actually fell on some strange man's lap. Looking back, there were so many things I wish I had said to smooth that over. But really, is there any smoothing over sitting in a stranger's lap? No. No there is not.
Or that time I decided to pick up my friend's travel mug and turn it upside down to see if it said what it was made of on the bottom. As mugs often are, it was full of coffee. I will never live that down.

Or that time I took a coffee onto the double decker bus and dropped it on the upper level, spilling it all over the floor. It meant that every time the bus went forward or came to a stop, everyone watched the coffee creeping further up and down the aisle and eventually spill down the stairs. You have no idea how horrifying it is to have to tell the bus driver that you had an accident. 

I should really stay away from coffee. And buses. Especially together...

Or one I really like: instead of saying "Have a good day" at the end of a call at work, I accidentally said, "Have a good idea."

Or that time I was really sweaty after biking to work so I decided to use the shirt I had biked in as a towel just to realize I forgot the shirt I was going to wear and now had to put back on the shirt I had just used to dry myself.

Or that time I watched some guy ahead of me step in dog poo in the middle of the sidewalk and as I watched I thought "Poor sucker never looked where he was going," and immediately stepped in the first part of the same dog's poo because I was too busy watching the other guy not looking where he was going. I tried to get his attention to commiserate with him but he pretended I wasn't there and that nothing had happened. Pride goeth before the fall but not before you steppeth in poo.

This is me, a failed bear.
Or that time I volunteered to wear the teddy bear mascot costume at a Christmas fundraiser for the Queen Alexandra Foundation and tried to convince a skeptical little boy that I was in fact a real bear. I mistakenly said something about bears celebrating Christmas and decorating Christmas trees. He replied (with disdain), "Bears hibernate during the winter." Nobody told me I was talking to Dwight Schrute's illegitimate child.

Or how as a child I had an obsession with carving my name into things, particularly our furniture. At the time I wasn't thinking that this was incriminating myself, I was solely thinking of one word: fame. I carved "F+R" (R for the boy I liked in grade two) into a cabinet and when my mother confronted me I tried to convince her it was someone else. Of the ones I remember, I wrote my name in our doorframe, our storage unit, my desk at home and at school, a bunkbed at camp and many trees. When I was thirteen I got in trouble with the park ranger at Miracle Beach campgrounds for carving "Faith + Mike" inside a large heart, into a tree on our camp site.  Mike was a boy I liked on a camping trip after knowing him for three days and, as we all know, 95% of all park rangers are bitter about young love (this is true, I swear). The day before he left he serenaded me on the beach with his Catholic school horror stories. He had a concaved chest and said his best friend was a girl with big boobs who offered to donate some to fill the hole. These are the kind of boys I like.

You will also find my name in many cement structures around my old complex: the rock wall in my back yard, a corner of the basketball court, my friend's patio, the curb on my street and outside my aunt's old house in James Bay.

I refuse to be forgotten.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Dear Vampire Diaries

So, after I wrote my "Dear Paul Wesley" post and didn't hear anything back from him, I decided it was time to take our relationship to the next level. I wrote a real letter, on paper, to the Vampire Diaries cast and put it in this magic portal called "the mailbox." And it too is a love letter, only to all of them, not just Paul... My thinking was this: "Won't it be awesome to put this in my blog when they write back?" They never wrote back. Why? I don't understand. I did research for goodness sakes. Out of the hundreds of letters they must receive on a daily basis, clearly mine must be the diamond in the dung heap. Not that I think highly of myself or anything... I inserted the character names to help you. It was also written in January, so things in the show have changed since then, especially with Stefan. This is it:

The Vampire Diaries Cast
Bonanza Productions, Inc.
2364 Park Central Boulevard

Decatur, GA 30035-3914

January 26, 2012

Dear Vampire Diaries cast, will you marry me? I know what you’re thinking, she’s a total bigamist. But this is my first love letter, uh, I mean fan letter (I don’t know if there is a real difference: as a fan, I am writing to confess my love to you = love letter), so it might not live up to your expectations, but I’m in denial waiting for the next episode and out of that this letter… happened.