Thursday, May 3, 2012

Dear Vampire Diaries

So, after I wrote my "Dear Paul Wesley" post and didn't hear anything back from him, I decided it was time to take our relationship to the next level. I wrote a real letter, on paper, to the Vampire Diaries cast and put it in this magic portal called "the mailbox." And it too is a love letter, only to all of them, not just Paul... My thinking was this: "Won't it be awesome to put this in my blog when they write back?" They never wrote back. Why? I don't understand. I did research for goodness sakes. Out of the hundreds of letters they must receive on a daily basis, clearly mine must be the diamond in the dung heap. Not that I think highly of myself or anything... I inserted the character names to help you. It was also written in January, so things in the show have changed since then, especially with Stefan. This is it:

The Vampire Diaries Cast
Bonanza Productions, Inc.
2364 Park Central Boulevard

Decatur, GA 30035-3914

January 26, 2012

Dear Vampire Diaries cast, will you marry me? I know what you’re thinking, she’s a total bigamist. But this is my first love letter, uh, I mean fan letter (I don’t know if there is a real difference: as a fan, I am writing to confess my love to you = love letter), so it might not live up to your expectations, but I’m in denial waiting for the next episode and out of that this letter… happened.

vampire diaries - the-cw photo
Nina (Elena), I adore you. I’m so impressed with Elena’s new Rocky-esque fitness regime. You are about the only person on the show that I want to see more buff (or, you know, just buff). I might be alone in this, but I kind of miss the days when the men of Mystic Falls weren’t all on steroids. Otherwise, I think you are perfect and want to be best friends, only I would probably be the worst friend ever because how could I hang out with you and build up my ego at the same time? And I wouldn’t want to hurt your feelings when I had to start avoiding you. Also, I’m sorry but Ian and Paul are right, you do have questionable musical taste. It’s okay, I love you anyway.

Paul (Stefan), you made me cry on the first episode of Season 3 when Stefan secretly calls Elena. Of all the things to cry over, that was it. I felt your pain. Anyway, you are amazing. It’s quite cruel actually, to make me love you so much then get married (in real life). Of course I’m stoked for you that your wife is now on the show, and she is gorgeous, but as I explain in the letter I wrote to you on my blog, I couldn’t let you spend the rest of your life wondering, “What if…” You would be sensible to read it. Also, don’t they know Dr. Phil is a talk show psychologist? They might as well have called her Dr. Spaceman (spə•chĕm′•ɪn) from 30 Rock. Please apologize to her for me.

Ian (Damon), Damon is such a great character and you play it so well (suspiciously well). I especially love Damon’s ever-changing facial expressions. However, I’ve come to the conclusion that you are actually too beautiful. I suggest wearing one of those visors that Geordi La Forge has on Star Trek, or Cyclops’ from X-Men, before you end up killing someone with your eyes. I’ll order you one on EBay. Humility is a virtue. Matthew (Alaric), you, my friend, are a real man. I saw the manly hair on your upper arms and chest when Alaric was lifting weights and I was won over by your manliness. If anyone ever tries to make you wax, punch them in the face. I’m sure Paul hates you now that you’re kissing his wife, so you might as well give her up and love me instead. (Don’t tell the others, but Alaric is my secret love.) Katerina (Bonnie), you are adorable, and to think you’re not only an awesome actress but an amazing singer! I saw your song on an episode playlist... Sneaky! Candice (Caroline), I never thought I would say this, but becoming a vampire was the best thing that ever happened to Caroline. I like you loads more now. Joseph (Klaus), you’ve done it, I truly love to hate you. Hopefully that is not true for you in real life or you might want to rethink your priorities.

This is not a very good love letter. They just don’t teach love-letter-writing at UVic like they used to. But I would appreciate it if you could give these suggestions to the writers (who are truly amazing. As a writer, I’m always critical of writing). These are things I have talked about with my fellow VD (Vampire Diaries, not Venereal Disease) friends. We are all obsessed.
  1. Please don’t ever make the mistake of Twilight, I mean the biggest one, and turn Elena into a vampire. I will die inside. And we all know a dead audience is no audience, unlike vampires.
  2. Stefan should become as truly awful as Damon used to be. We are made to believe that Stefan is supposedly lacking all humanity. I would think this came with a certain set of rules. Such as, he shouldn’t give heartfelt apologies to Elena for being mean (AKA going too far). Damon has always had a tad bit of humanity and even his apologies are like getting hit in the head with a douche bag. Also, I was under the impression that inhuman-serial-killer-vampires don’t bother punching their brothers for making out with old gfs they say they don’t care about. They stab their brothers for fun, sure, but not because their feelings are hurt.
  3. A little blood-sucking goes a long way. My least favorite episodes are the ones where there is an overdose of vampires feasting on humans.
  4. If there was ever a soap opera (and let’s face it, Vampire Diaries is a new genre of soap opera – vamp-opera), what I mean is, if any soap opera could legitimize bringing someone back from the dead, it would be Vampire Diaries, so you have no excuse. Please bring Jenna back. She is my favorite Newfie actor. She is also the only one I know.
  5. On the flip side, please don’t bring Vickie back again. Ever.
Chris Mollere, you are da bomb. Thank you for playing Foster the People “Pumped up Kicks” and MGMT “Kids.” Sooo many good songs! As if you needed it and don’t get requests all the time, I have a couple suggestions I haven’t heard on the show yet: The Killers (especially “Human,” because are they human? Or are they dancers?), Damien Rice, Handsome Furs, Shiny Toy Guns, Josh Ritter (“Wolves”), The New Pornographers, Okkervill River.

You are all beautiful and wonderful and lovely and my secret dream would be to star on the show alongside Nina and be married to Paul, after giving Ian and Matthew a good try, and get hired as the new writer, but somehow I don’t see that happening.

Love-love-love, love-love-love-love, for real,


The Vampire Diaries Cast

No comments:

Post a Comment