Monday, March 28, 2011

Dear Simon Baker

There was a dark time in my life where I became overwhelmed by school and work and in a successful attempt to avoid my real world responsibilities I obsessively watched fake lives on TV. It was fantastic. For a time. But it meant the homework I was finding too intimidating to do, simply didn't get done. I nearly failed a class and was deeply ashamed of it. One of the shows I was watching was The Mentalist. In my desperate, fragile, emotional state, I immediately fell in love with Patrick Jane. You can't help loving his egotistical insensitivity (which in real life would make me kick him in the groin and call him a heartless douche bag) so why fight it? I wanted to hold him and tell him I alone understood his deep, suppressed pain over his murdered wife and child. 

Thursday, March 17, 2011

All-Stars to the Rescue

This post is dedicated to the Public Service Announcements of the world. What would we do without you? I would be on crack cocaine right now if it weren't for the important morals taught me via TV public service announcements. I missed the amazing moral-lesson craze that happened in cartoons in the 80's, but I definitely saw some of them afterward and got a taste of it in Sesame Street. Here is one awesome cartoon movie you may or may not remember depending on whether you were older than 3 years old when it came out: Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue, courtesy of Tyler Woolley.

It was a cartoon television special in 1990 aimed at drug prevention that McDonald's put on (it's okay though, doing drugs is obviously worse than eating food full of hormones, so it's not as hypocritical as at first it may seem.) It's got all the popular cartoons, a motley crew from blue men (they always seem to come up, see my post Old Spice Sesame-ed) to aliens to Slimer, which they had to get permission from all of them to use (er... well, they were supposed to). It was simulcast on all three major American television networks and the VHS edition opened with an intro from President George H. W. Bush and Barbara Bush. Hold up, an ex-President of the United States of America introduced this show? AND the ex-First Lady? Now you have no choice. Maybe you don't know this but it is against the law not to watch anything that the President, in particular any of the Bush family of presidents, has personally endorsed, whether or not you are an American citizen or not. Not watching it is not an option at this point.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Pipe Dream

Yay! When I search "Faith'sbook" in Google now, it comes up with my blog first! Before it only came up with Christian sites trying to be clever, referring to faith as some sort of book when obviously "Faith'sbook" is a genius play on Facebook and my name. 

But, we can't all be geniuses.

This guy has issues.
Anyway, this post is supposed to be all about dreams. Not the kind you have when you go to sleepy-time land, the other kind that express your deepest, darkest desires. I have a lot of those - riding a unicorn, having a slide in my house that goes from my bedroom to the kitchen downstairs, getting an acceptance letter from Hogwarts, marrying Batman, owning a pet tiger that I can communicate with like my own personal daemon from The Golden Compass - you know, fairly average. But some people would like nothing more than to toss these particular types of dreams into the "pipe" variety. They would, however, be wrong and malicious people and would do better to pipe down, pardon the pun (but did you notice it?). Seriously though, have you ever wondered why a dream is called a "pipe" dream? No, it's not, as I previously assumed, because of the crazy ideas that come from inhaling drugs out of a pipe, example: Alice in Wonderland. No, it's because of that awesome old computer game "Pipe Mania" where you have to put together pieces of sewer drain before the nuclear waste comes and destroys the village, mutating the animals and children. Just like that, a dream that has a low probability of coming true is like trying to get ahead of that never-ending flow of TMNT ooze (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle for the unhip). It's just not likely. At some point you have to accept that the children will become mutants, be it turtle-boys with nun-chucks or wolverine's with shiny knuckle-knives that defy the whole "don't run with scissors" rule.