Thursday, December 30, 2010

Glitterfy Your Life

I love doing crafts, mostly because it makes me feel like I am talented. The trick is to never start anything that will take very long; knitting is not my forte. Needless to say my crafts are more or less coloring birthday cards. The beauty of short projects is that you get to see the finished product right before you under fifteen minutes (or fifteen seconds if it's particularly abstract). At my church the ladies have a craft night that I attend about once every five years and though it is fun doing crafts with other people it is also very dangerous. Glue GUNS? Hello?! Scissors? Scissors are just two ninja knives stuck together disguised as a helpful appliance. 

Monday, December 20, 2010

Real Christmas Vs. Fake Christmas in an Ultimate Fighting Death Match

I love Christmas!!!!!!!!! It's the best thing that ever existed. None of this "Happy Holidays" or "Seasons's Greetings" nonsense. I hope your holidays are happy too: summer holidays, Easter holidays, Halloween, even Labor Day (what is Labor Day anyway??? ... I just looked it up. It's in honor of "labor" or working people. So not for couch potatoes - that's a different holiday). And I'm glad the season is polite enough to give me its greetings but when the twinkling lights are turned on because actually they've been up all year, and bizarrely we start chopping down trees to put them in our house because I guess it's not enough that they stay outside and our house plants just aren't cutting it, I preserve the right to hear Merry Christmas or even Happy Christmas if you are British and weird. When I see or hear Happy Holidays all I see is the oppression of my freedom as a Christmasian, regardless of my beliefs. And when I hear someone say "Happy Holidays you wonderful person!" (which happens quite a lot) I want to say, "Sorry? I didn't catch that. I think you meant to say Merry Christmas but forgot what it was called?" or "Don't be afraid! You are free to speak it's name!" I refuse to acknowledge that it has anything to do with religious differences (which it does, a lot) and I doubt whether on Christmas morning the children of those politically correct parents are going to want very much to say, "It's the Season! Yay!" when all the other kids are saying, "It's Christmas! Hip-hip-hoorayray!"

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Robots: Evil or Good? What your parents never told you.

I know I'm a little late flying the Battlestar spaceship, but I've recently started watching Battlestar Galactica and am beginning to suspect that many people I know are actually cylons. Possibly myself. Probably my dog and 100% positive Lady Gaga (it's true). If you don't know, cylons are robots, but they can look like humans, so that pretty much kills mankind's chances right there. But don't start turning on each other because some people are actually cylons and don't even know it. Really we're probably all cylons. But tell me this, what is the good in being a robot if you don't even know you are? The cylons were not very smart when they implemented that part of the plan. Yes they get to feel all the good emotions of being human, but they also have to feel all the crappy ones and have all the same problems too. If I made robots that looked like humans they sure as heck wouldn't have to go to the bathroom. They would be indestructible and not feel pain, and they wouldn't put on clothes and be insecure about whether they look fat (I have no idea if any of those statements are true of cylons. Battlestar Galactica hasn't covered all the specifics in the everyday life of a cylon yet, but I'm sure they'll get around to that eventually. Besides, for all I know regular old robots think they look fat in their metal coverings too).

Wednesday, December 1, 2010


Don't you hate those people who show up late to things, as if they can't be bothered to be there on time like you? Annoying isn't it? Arrogant so-and-so's.

JUST SHUT UP, OKAY?! Did you ever think that maybe, just maybe, those people were actually born in the wrong era? I can only speak for myself, but I was originally supposed to be born on a farm in the early 1800's. I got lost in translation somewhere between inception and conception and wound up in 1987 not on a farm, surrounded by time-obsessed busybodies. Let me give you a little history lesson to help you better understand.

History Lesson With Faith
You see, back then time didn't exist. There was no clock you were a slave to. You were just either born a slave or not, but the clock was never master. Everyone was like, "Hey, Jo, I'll meet you by that rock when the sun is halfway in the sky." And even then you might be late because you had to tend the cows, and you know how cows are, very inconsiderate. They know when you have some place to be.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Trigon Commercials (Videos)

These are two of the funniest kids in the whole world:

"We're doin' business here."

Friday, November 26, 2010

Current Events

...are highly overrated. Why do I care what's going on in the world? Unless it is going to effect me in a personal, in your face way, I'd rather live in ignorance. Like I tell my family when I go down for a nap, on no accord may you wake me unless there is either a fire or a massive earthquake. If it's fire, I will probably wake up anyway from the blaring fire alarm, and if the fire is so bad there is no way out and I'm going to die anyway, I'd rather fall into a smoke inhaled coma than be conscious when I burst into flames, unless something phoenix-like happened. But I'm not sure phoenix rebirth would be worth it because then I would become a baby again and though there are a lot of benefits to being a baby there is also a lot of humiliation involved. As for a massive earthquake, like the one we are all going to die from when Vancouver Island sinks on August 21st, 2017 (educated guess, and yes, "we all" is a very puny percentage of people who live on the island), just because Y2K didn't work out quite as expected doesn't mean we are safe, fortunately the quaking of the earth often acts as is its own wake up call and it is unlikely that you will be able to go wake someone up from a nap and find a door frame to stand under in 0.5 seconds anyway. So you see, it's the same with current events. It's never worth worrying about fires or earthquakes (FYI kids, I am actually a huge enthusiast for disaster preparedness), current events are better to know about only when they set your house on fire with their immediacy or knock you over the head with their do or die mentality.

If you thought the above points were good ones, immediately visit your local psychologist.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Baby Politician's Are Better Than Adult Politicians (Video)

This is one of my favorite videos of all time. First time: watch her talk. Second time: read the subtitles along with it. I'm pretty sure I can understand this baby better than Stephen Harper.


Soy bean dreams
What's a vegetarian/almost-vegan-because-she's-allergic-to-dairy to do in life? I don't know why I make my life harder by my vegetarianism choices when I've already got dairy allergies. I guess I figure having my life a little bit harder is better than eating cute little baby lambs. But having allergies is much harder than being a vegetarian, especially when what you are allergic to is the main ingredient in everything good. It's a little bit like being allergic to rainbows. And it's not the lactose that my body has decided to be racist against. I envy the lactose-intolerants of this world. They can take a magic pill and make it all go away. No, mine is not a bloated, gassy, intestinal disorder but a sneezy, itchy nose, eyes and throat, coughy, asthmatic, genuine allergy (not that the lactose-intolerants aren't genuine in their afflictions) and allergy pills work for me when it comes to seasonal allergies, but not for dairy.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Accordion Kid (Video)

What makes a great musician? Like any artist, you need to love what you do. You can play out of tune and fall off the stage but if you've got heart, at least they'll say of you, "YEAH, BUT AT LEAST HE'S GOT HEART!" (said really loud because their ears are bleeding). And if this kid never makes it to post-secondary education, at least he has known love. For his accordion.

Star Wars and The Matrix in LEGO (Videos)

These people are geniuses. I wish we could all be so talented. And have a lot of time on our hands. These people probably also have bed sheets of Hans Solo and Princess Leia holding hands and have practiced to perfection the Chewbacca noise. I've tried. It's hard. Oh, and best to do in private.

Friday, November 19, 2010


Hi. I'm a total newb at this. I started thinking, hey, these other people can do it, and a lot of them suck, so why can't I? Worse comes to worse, I join the Sucky Blog Club - it's a pretty big club so thankfully I won't stand out (that's one of the only clubs you don't want to stand out from). If I want to be a writer then I figure blogging is a good start. By the way, I want to be a writer. DISCLAIMER: I plan on writing whatever the heck I want on here, sorry, no apologies (ha...ha...). Unless you ask for one. If more than one person asks for an apology I will probably just make an "I'm Sorry About That" page with a list of people I have offended. How could I have possibly offended anyone? By wasting the time they could be using to sail around the world. (If  that were a true statement then it's unlikely my blog would in any way stop them.)