Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Robots: Evil or Good? What your parents never told you.

I know I'm a little late flying the Battlestar spaceship, but I've recently started watching Battlestar Galactica and am beginning to suspect that many people I know are actually cylons. Possibly myself. Probably my dog and 100% positive Lady Gaga (it's true). If you don't know, cylons are robots, but they can look like humans, so that pretty much kills mankind's chances right there. But don't start turning on each other because some people are actually cylons and don't even know it. Really we're probably all cylons. But tell me this, what is the good in being a robot if you don't even know you are? The cylons were not very smart when they implemented that part of the plan. Yes they get to feel all the good emotions of being human, but they also have to feel all the crappy ones and have all the same problems too. If I made robots that looked like humans they sure as heck wouldn't have to go to the bathroom. They would be indestructible and not feel pain, and they wouldn't put on clothes and be insecure about whether they look fat (I have no idea if any of those statements are true of cylons. Battlestar Galactica hasn't covered all the specifics in the everyday life of a cylon yet, but I'm sure they'll get around to that eventually. Besides, for all I know regular old robots think they look fat in their metal coverings too).

But riddle me this, did you ever wonder why robots have suddenly become so popular? And when I say suddenly, I mean like the last five hundred years? Don't be fooled by the Terminator, he was totally just following a robot-loving trend and Transformers was following his trend. Greedy robots. Somehow it became "cool" in pop-culture to like robots and I'm not sure that's such a smart idea on our part. The cooler we think robots are the more likely they will sneak up on us and WABAM! We need to be on our guard people. For example one of my coworkers has the song by Robyn on his iPod that goes "I'm in love with a robot" and I went to a Dan Mangan concert in Victoria and he sang in a lovely voice his song "Robots" which goes, "Robots need love too, they want to be loved by you."

Also, I've got a shirt with a robot on it where the robot has a heart on his chest and is smiling and I just recently noticed my advent calendar has a robot in Santa's toy bag. Here it is for your very own viewing pleasure:

What an incredibly sneaky way of infiltrating that kid's home! I have to give props to that robot. Good job robots, always one step ahead. NO! See what I mean? They're so tricky. Robots don't need love, they're ROBOTS, they just want your love because they're so greedy. And that's how Faith incorporated Christmas into a robot post. On a side note, I just want to point out there is also a raccoon hanging out with Santa on my advent calendar, just staring right at you... trying to see into your soul, and simultaneously steal the presents with his outreached hand. Pretty disturbing. I also want to point out that those perfect little chocolate shapes are a total joke. In reality most of them are only half-filled and there is chocolate drips all over the place. But irregardless (best word ever because everybody knows two negatives actually make a positive) all this "robots are friends" nonsense is obviously subliminal messaging by very clever robots, so my question to you is ARE ROBOTS TAKING OVER OR WHAT? And my message to the robots is: I'm on to you. I don't want to burst your bubble, but any ideas of friendly, subservient, take-home-to-mom type robots is a total ploy and only happens in Disney movies like Robots and Wall-E. From my own extensive experience (The Terminator, Transformers and every other robots-are-taking-over movie), robots are either a.) trying to take over, or b.) already have. In that case, it's critical that we start seeing their true colors. Basically it comes down to the fact that we can't be rooting for the robots!!!! If we root for the robots, who will root for us??? The robots sure as heck won't.

And then I had an epiphany, it can't possibly be that robots have already taken over because otherwise they really suck at it and robots don't suck at anything. In that case, I'm going to go with option B and go ahead and say what you're all thinking: robots would probably do a much better job of governing this world than we are. I would like someone to do a study on it and get back to me. Because if the findings are positive, so long as the robots don't turn around and decide to wipe us out, which seems to be a common theme for them (so I guess they can't really be trusted... ever...), but theoretically, I would probably consider voting a robot for president of the world. However I know there are a lot of people who feel differently, for example, George Bush becoming president. That guy is as pure and unadulterated human as you can get, there is not a single robot cell in his entire body, and I guess some people found that reassuring. Yeah, well, I find soup reassuring, but I don't want my soup to be president. And though a robot is a lot less reassuring than soup, they are also a lot more likely to responsibly rule the planet. Case closed.


  1. In Wall-E the robot ship captain took over and did so in a way that left the humans oblivious. Are you so confident that we are in a different situation?

    Robots may be able to do a better job of responsibly ruling the planet but are you so sure you'd be happy with the way they'd rule us in the process?

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