Wednesday, December 1, 2010


Don't you hate those people who show up late to things, as if they can't be bothered to be there on time like you? Annoying isn't it? Arrogant so-and-so's.

JUST SHUT UP, OKAY?! Did you ever think that maybe, just maybe, those people were actually born in the wrong era? I can only speak for myself, but I was originally supposed to be born on a farm in the early 1800's. I got lost in translation somewhere between inception and conception and wound up in 1987 not on a farm, surrounded by time-obsessed busybodies. Let me give you a little history lesson to help you better understand.

History Lesson With Faith
You see, back then time didn't exist. There was no clock you were a slave to. You were just either born a slave or not, but the clock was never master. Everyone was like, "Hey, Jo, I'll meet you by that rock when the sun is halfway in the sky." And even then you might be late because you had to tend the cows, and you know how cows are, very inconsiderate. They know when you have some place to be.

Back then when the cows made you late you would say, merely for the sake of politeness, "I'm sorry I'm late," and the other guy would say, "Are you? I couldn't tell; the sun moves so slowly and I forgot to bring my dial." You would go to bed when it got dark and wake up when it was light out. Now we stay up until all hours of the night, using something called electricity, which is just a ludicrous invention (duh, God gave us a giant light bulb in the sky and plenty of warning to get ready for lights-out). Back then if someone yelled at you to get up because you were going to be late, you'd be like, "For what? The chickens?" Okay, maybe I have a slightly skewed idea of the 1800's farming life.
End of Failed Attempt at History Lesson With Faith

But did you ever think maybe tardiness is actually a disease? A disability? Maybe chronic late-nicks just keep it secret out of shame but they are actually clock-illiterate and were never taught to read those little hands and numbers properly. Dang-it, they made digital for that. Side-note: Kids, if you haven't learned to read the clock yet, don't bother learning it now. They have digital for that. Now that I have been enlightened to the fact that digital has robbed tardy people of using clock-illiteracy as an excuse (what else will we late people just let them take from us? Our dignity? Oh, wait...), I will tell you what I do know, which is that the upper, frontal lobe of your brain cortex is specifically tasked by the chief lobe of the brain vortex with time management, and that part of late people's brains never developed properly. But before you are misled, that's not the case for me. No! Let me tell you, when I was four-years-old, that part of my brain was highly developed! I was incredibly awesome with time management. I could tell you by the second when it was lunch time, play time, snot-eating time, jumping on the bed time, kicking my brother time, and most importantly, nap time. I knew exactly when Barney was on. Bursting into song time? Yep. Run away time? Knew it. Just so you get a picture of just how good I was, I also knew instinctively when it was "stay away from mommy" time or "just go ahead and ask daddy" time. I did not, however, know when it was quiet time (no one's perfect). Then, when I was just about to turn five, something very tragic happened. I got hit in the frontal lobe vortex and lost all my exceptional time managing capabilities. It's a true story.

But God turns everything into good. Since then I have learned so many other skills I never would have known if that tragedy hadn't happened. For example, I have gotten really good at making excuses - simply blame the things around you, no matter if they are inanimate objects. Here's some examples you are welcome to use, as long as you quote me:

Slept through your alarm? 
-Tell this excuse to your boss: "Man, I've got to do something about my alarm clock. It has one job to do, just one, and when it lets you down it's you that gets the slap on the wrist, you know what I mean?"

Constantly getting distracted by little things around you that always seem to add up?
-Excuse to friend: "I know, I know, I'm late, and it's totally unacceptable. My desk was just so disorganized, I actually caught it crying, getting all my important documents wet. So I had to do something about it. I would do the same for you."
-Or: "The flowers were so pretty. And then that stupid rock had to ruin it. You should have seen the way that rock was looking at me, like it doesn't have problems! I couldn't just let it slide." (Then your punniness will distract them, and they'll be so impressed they'll forget all about your lateness).

Late because you were watching Barney and naturally, not willing to admit it but also not wanting to flat out lie?
-Excuse to teacher: "I'm so sorry I'm late, this dinosaur was totally keeping me hostage. I was terrified, of course, but when he wasn't looking I ran for it; I'm contemplating calling the police, but I dunno, what if he finds out????" (Then they will be so flattered that you are asking them for advice they will forget the entire class is waiting).

Of course none of this is actually acceptable or accurate in any way, except for the fact that yes, some people might accuse me of being positively terrible at time management. But they would be hypocritical, judgmental jerks like that rock and you shouldn't listen to them. I, however, will readily admit that I am positively terrible at time management. To the point that my parents worry for my future, my teachers probably despise me, my church doesn't trust me, my friends want to punish me and my boss has to lecture me. But I just want you to know, as flaky, lazy and generally lackadaisical as my tardiness may seem, I genuinely hate it about myself and am always trying (and failing) to get better. I try to remind myself that it is mostly because of my chronic fatigue and other issues that keep me slow and unmotivated, then, to keep myself from falling into a black hole of despair, I make fun of it in the hopes that the punctual world will forgive me.

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