Thursday, December 30, 2010

Glitterfy Your Life

I love doing crafts, mostly because it makes me feel like I am talented. The trick is to never start anything that will take very long; knitting is not my forte. Needless to say my crafts are more or less coloring birthday cards. The beauty of short projects is that you get to see the finished product right before you under fifteen minutes (or fifteen seconds if it's particularly abstract). At my church the ladies have a craft night that I attend about once every five years and though it is fun doing crafts with other people it is also very dangerous. Glue GUNS? Hello?! Scissors? Scissors are just two ninja knives stuck together disguised as a helpful appliance. 

The other dangerous thing about crafts is something I figured out as a young, ingenious child. Most of my crafts from when I was little were made at Girl's Club, like Girl Guides without the life-saving survival element. With all those other dexterously awkward children beside me on the mini benches, I found out that depending on who you do crafts with, it can go one of two ways: greatly boost your self-confidence or like a bear mauling your self-esteem into careful strips and dried out for some nice jerky. So it's very important that you only choose people to do crafts with who are either on the same level as you or worse. If you are someone with really low self-esteem (I actually typed "slow-esteem" by accident; I think my subconscious is telling me I'm slow) then I would suggest only choosing craft-companions who are far below your level of expertise. If you suck at crafts and you try to do them with people who are awesome at crafts, you will inevitably find yourself comparing their beautiful piece of art to your undeniable piece of crap. Their swirls will look like the colors of the wind from Pocahontas, yours will look like a child had a seizure with a paint brush in its hand. Okay, bad analogy, not because it isn't accurate, but because children having seizure's isn't funny.

No matter how sucky you may be at crafts, if you do them with even suckier people you will still find yourself comparing your swirls with theirs, but this time yours will win the gold in Olympic swirling. Now, this is not just an opportunity to gloat in your childish self-confirmation pretending to be legitimate skills but a chance to feel even more superior when you futilely attempt to build up the self-esteem of the even more dexterously retarded. Futile because it won't actually work, they will also be comparing their swirls to yours and no amount of encouragement will make up for the fact that they suck even more than you do (and no they won't think yours is awesome just because it's better, they will see your artwork for what it is - a piece of crap is a piece of crap, no matter how you look at it).

However, I have a cure for every failed art attempt, also just anything in general: glitter. I was making Christmas cards at work because that is what I do at work, that or surf the interweb and get virus's on my computer so that tech guys CC me in emails that say, "Could someone please fix the issues with Faith" and not "the issues with Faith's computer." The tech guys did eventually fix the issues with Faith's computer, and I gave one a snowflake, and by "fixed" I mean I killed it so they got me a new one. But more importantly, they failed to fix the issues with Faith, unless that's websensing additional sites like Hotmail and Wikipedia (those weren't the problem). When I'm not infecting company computers I play games, read, color Little Mermaid pictures, or if I am really craving productivity - which isn't actually a thing you can ever crave - crackdown on my homework. (Sub-clause, in case my boss ever reads this, I actually do a lot of work. Ask my coworkers. It just so happens we don't have a lot of work to do and I have to do something to keep my sanity. Otherwise I'm a hard worker and I don't seriously recommend slacking off. Don't try this at home kids. Oh and the virus I got was because my computer didn't have its anti-virus updated. At the time I was on the Rogers website looking up movies.) For one of these Christmas cards I cut out a bunch of snowflakes, making a huge mess of tiny pieces of paper on my desk and floor, which gradually migrated to my coworker's space and somehow into the bathroom. I asked my coworker Dom to bring glitter glue to work so I could bedazzle my snowflakes and was pleasantly surprised when she showed up with a craft kit good enough for Deb from "Napoleon Dynamite." I gave the glittered card to my mom because she is like a mag-pie when it comes to sparkly things.

But have you ever noticed how sparkles get everywhere? Just like robots, sparkles are really good at being sneaky (if this isn't perfectly logical to you, go here). You think you've got the glitter glue under control, with the little squeeze bottles and your sleeves rolled up, but eventually your hand or forearm gets lazy and you smudge it in glitter glue and then you forget you did that and get it on your clothes and your nose gets itchy so you unintentionally bedazzle your nose, which isn't necessarily unattractive, just attention-seeking. It doesn't matter if you go wash off the sparkles, by now it's too late. They have infiltrated your life. And you know what? It's probably an improvement. Everything looks better with glitter. Glitter makes emo look classy (but be forewarned, it can also make classy look trashy, which is great if you like the "living-in-a-trailer-is-fun" look). What I'm getting at is if you are going to bother using glitter in your crafts, you might as well just put glitter glue on everything so it at least appears purposeful.

Here's some suggestions that should be obvious to you:
  1. Glitter glue your hair and save on hair dye.
  2. Glitter your dog. Your canine will definitely approve (but don't glitter your cat, cats find glitter humiliating). 
  3. Glitter your food. You will suddenly find that you can't wait to dig in to your glittered cauliflower. Plus the glue will reinforce your intestinal tract. 
  4. Glitter your furniture. It will not only act as a protective coating so you won't have to worry about scratches or spilling your bedazzled broccoli, it will add zest to your home. You'll be the envy of all your friends (unless they hate glitter, which makes perfect sense - it gets everywhere).  
I'm just glad I thought of it before Martha. 
WARNING: Don't glitter glue your eyes. It's usually not worth it. 

For those of you sickos who are trying to bulk up, here's a helpful post from Gearfuse, originally from ThinkGeek, which also adds an interesting dimension to my poll found at the bottom of the page:

unicorn meat1 Unicorn Meat: An Alternative Source of Protein and Magic
Note the can label says: "Excellent source of sparkles."
Please read the fine print directly beneath this ridiculously highlighted portion, with a little star next to it just like this one * only smaller. This is it, right here:
* I do not endorse this product. In fact, my entire being is against this product. You know who eats unicorns? Lord Voldemort. Yeah. That's right.

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