Monday, January 16, 2012

Potty Talk

This is the most uncomfortable post I've ever written, but I feel it needs to be addressed. BE FOREWARNED: the picture below has gotten me many weird looks at work when people pass by. If this happens to you, smile and nod.

Why is the line going to his feet and not the toilet?
Everyone poops; did you know that? No one tells you this, but everyone poops. Jesus pooped.  Dumbledore pooped* (see bottom of the page).  The Queen poops. The Dalai Lama poops. The Pope poops (his name is also close to the word “poop”). And the thing is, it’s actually not being able to poop that is the problem. I’m not sure if it’s because of its unappealing nature or the certain area involved, but it is uncanny how offensive people find the subject of poop. You can make any number of sexual innuendos, say the f word like it’s some sort of intelligent conversation filler, but there is something inherently off-putting about the contents of your bowel. It doesn’t matter that we use the toilet on average 1-3 times a day for just this reason, it doesn’t matter that it is a huge part of our lives and crucial to a properly working body. We absolutely adore talking about food but politely abstain from talking about the fact of life that what goes in must come out. It's science, people. It can’t just stay in there forever. But as much as people don’t want to talk about a functioning bowel, they 126.59% don’t want to talk about what happens when the system quits working (findings taken from Faith'sbook Study on the Colon). Such things are so shameful we either cringe from even the allusion of it or point and laugh at it like adolescent teenage boys.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Dear Paul Wesley

See? Just look at him.
Dear Paul Wesley,

How do you say "will you marry me" in Polish? No reason. I heard you got married so I thought I'd write you a letter letting you know you've made the biggest mistake of your life. It doesn't matter that we are from two different worlds (and I don't mean Polish vs. Canadian) and let's face it, the probabilities of us being together is as likely as a cat getting together with a fish (wait isn't that a catfish?), so it's terribly romantic, but I would hate to think you will live the rest of your life wondering "what if..." When I say two different worlds I mean the vampire vs. human worlds. To be more specific, you are a vampire. I am not. So far it's working for Elena, but I hear it didn't work out too well for Bella. I don't envy her giving birth by fang-section. Actually, if we're being picky, you're not really a vampire, you just play one on Vampire Diaries, but let's not be. Picky people don't enjoy the fullness of life.

I hear Poland is cold this time of year. Actually I rarely hear anything about Poland. Are Poland and Bulgaria enemies? Because that's where Nina Dobrev is from and you could use your relationship to start bridging the discrimination. I don't know if you made the best decision in changing your name. Now you sound British. Besides, Wasilewski is not that hard to say. It just makes people sound drunk when they say it. How are you finding life in America? Oh wait, you were born there. I hear you got kicked out a Christian boy's school. Did you go dancing? I think you're supposed to put a Bible's distance between you and the girl to fight temptation. I made the mistake of using an actual Bible and now no one wants to dance with me (it's really hard to dance attractively with a Bible). I've been watching your show for a while and I've discovered it's about this girl who has this diary that she uses to write about vampires. Pretty thrilling stuff. At least that is what the show was about until the diary mysteriously died... along with the crows and the fog. Maybe there was a crow epidemic. Fog is seasonal. (Good call killing off those details, writers.) I was very hesitant when I first started watching your show, but my coworker was addicted and got me addicted too. For one, I couldn't help thinking it was just a knock-off of Twilight (like most people I didn't know that the books by L. J. Smith were written long before) and though I appreciated all the great humor in Twilight (what? Wasn't it a comedy? It's not?! You're kidding!) I didn't love the idea of watching people get the blood sucked out of them. No offence. Guess what? I still don't. It's gross. Frankly, I'm far too squeamish for your show. Please stop going back into your past and feasting on people. Other than that you're amazing and I love you.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Cougars and You

The cougars are out there people, and they're in my neighborhood. Carrie and Tillicum. Quadra and McKenzie. They smell poodle. Yesterday I tried to give my white miniature poodle Kezzie a stern talking to. She used to try and make friends with the townhouse complex cats in her younger years but they weren't feeling it. Maybe she's outgrown it like she seems to have finally outgrown eating poo. Her favorite were poopsicles in winter. For a while we thought she had outgrown it and then the feeling would come over her and she would get a hankering. I've heard people say dogs eat poo because they're not getting enough of something in their diet. What? Not enough poo?
Poodle or fluff in the wind?

I tried to tell her, "Cougars are not your friends." But she just kept giving me kisses. I don't think it got past her fluff. You see, she is exceptionally fluffy right now as I am in the long, drawn-out process of brushing her hair and haven't given her a hair cut in quite a few months for obvious reasons. 1. It is winter. 2. She is getting old so I like to think of it as cushioning for her arthritis or, more relative, padding against cougar bites, and so forth. Hopefully if a cougar tries to eat her he will just think he has eaten a cotton ball and gag. Even better he will mistake her for a fluff in the wind and walk on by. 

'Tis a New Year. I have some grand plans. I plan on submitting a lot of my short stories to get published and try out for some writing contests too. I have been waiting to submit things, out of cowardice or false logic I don't know, thinking I can't submit anything until I am the best I can be. NOTE TO SELF: you will never be the best you can be... you will be better! Just kidding, no. You must always try to be the best you can be but you will never actually be it. Instead you will learn and grow and fail and succeed but if you lean on God and not on yourself you will be better than you ever could be on your own, because HE is the best you can be, the "I am" that you can never be, and that, my friend is how you be the best you can be. That's the extent of my theology. I also plan on getting started on a real novel project. Novel as in book, not new. Though it could be both. I have many beginnings started and ideas in store but the word is "commitment," people. Maybe my book will be about cougars. And little, white, innocent poodles. And the dangers from mixing them. No! Don't go there brain! I have to go home right now and have another talk with Kezzie. Maybe I will make a slide show for her ongoing poodle-safety-education entitled, "Cougars and You."
 Cougars and You

Slide 1

Cougars are not your friends.