Thursday, January 5, 2012

Cougars and You

The cougars are out there people, and they're in my neighborhood. Carrie and Tillicum. Quadra and McKenzie. They smell poodle. Yesterday I tried to give my white miniature poodle Kezzie a stern talking to. She used to try and make friends with the townhouse complex cats in her younger years but they weren't feeling it. Maybe she's outgrown it like she seems to have finally outgrown eating poo. Her favorite were poopsicles in winter. For a while we thought she had outgrown it and then the feeling would come over her and she would get a hankering. I've heard people say dogs eat poo because they're not getting enough of something in their diet. What? Not enough poo?
Poodle or fluff in the wind?

I tried to tell her, "Cougars are not your friends." But she just kept giving me kisses. I don't think it got past her fluff. You see, she is exceptionally fluffy right now as I am in the long, drawn-out process of brushing her hair and haven't given her a hair cut in quite a few months for obvious reasons. 1. It is winter. 2. She is getting old so I like to think of it as cushioning for her arthritis or, more relative, padding against cougar bites, and so forth. Hopefully if a cougar tries to eat her he will just think he has eaten a cotton ball and gag. Even better he will mistake her for a fluff in the wind and walk on by. 

'Tis a New Year. I have some grand plans. I plan on submitting a lot of my short stories to get published and try out for some writing contests too. I have been waiting to submit things, out of cowardice or false logic I don't know, thinking I can't submit anything until I am the best I can be. NOTE TO SELF: you will never be the best you can be... you will be better! Just kidding, no. You must always try to be the best you can be but you will never actually be it. Instead you will learn and grow and fail and succeed but if you lean on God and not on yourself you will be better than you ever could be on your own, because HE is the best you can be, the "I am" that you can never be, and that, my friend is how you be the best you can be. That's the extent of my theology. I also plan on getting started on a real novel project. Novel as in book, not new. Though it could be both. I have many beginnings started and ideas in store but the word is "commitment," people. Maybe my book will be about cougars. And little, white, innocent poodles. And the dangers from mixing them. No! Don't go there brain! I have to go home right now and have another talk with Kezzie. Maybe I will make a slide show for her ongoing poodle-safety-education entitled, "Cougars and You."
 Cougars and You

Slide 1

Cougars are not your friends.
Slide 2
Rule #1: Don't look them in the eye. They hate that.

Slide 3

Don't let their babies fool you.

Slide 4

Learn to recognize them. This is not them.
Slide 5

Still not them.

Slide 6 died of a cougar attack. 

Slide 7

These are examples of cougar treats. If you find yourself similar to them, stay inside.Good news! You don't have to be the fastest poodle in the pack, just faster than the poodle behind you.
I have often wondered what you should do if you see a cougar. I know if you see a wolf, hide. If you see a crocodile run in zigzags. If you see a black bear walk slowly backwards. If you see a grizzly bear get your shotgun. Most of those are probably useless or incorrect and you are already deader than Slide 6. But what about a cougar? From my lengthy research it seems you are supposed to make yourself big, make loud noises, and don't run away. In summary, the best way to ward off a cougar is to make the biggest fool of yourself you possibly can. Otherwise, you're screwed.  

Congratulations puppies, you have arranged yourselves perfectly for a light cougar snack.

Say your prayers and hide your poodles.


  1. Cute post Faith! It's so nice to read your thoughts lady! Keep it up! Big things ahead! xo

  2. Thanks Courtney! Yay! Big things!