Friday, January 13, 2012

Dear Paul Wesley

See? Just look at him.
Dear Paul Wesley,

How do you say "will you marry me" in Polish? No reason. I heard you got married so I thought I'd write you a letter letting you know you've made the biggest mistake of your life. It doesn't matter that we are from two different worlds (and I don't mean Polish vs. Canadian) and let's face it, the probabilities of us being together is as likely as a cat getting together with a fish (wait isn't that a catfish?), so it's terribly romantic, but I would hate to think you will live the rest of your life wondering "what if..." When I say two different worlds I mean the vampire vs. human worlds. To be more specific, you are a vampire. I am not. So far it's working for Elena, but I hear it didn't work out too well for Bella. I don't envy her giving birth by fang-section. Actually, if we're being picky, you're not really a vampire, you just play one on Vampire Diaries, but let's not be. Picky people don't enjoy the fullness of life.

I hear Poland is cold this time of year. Actually I rarely hear anything about Poland. Are Poland and Bulgaria enemies? Because that's where Nina Dobrev is from and you could use your relationship to start bridging the discrimination. I don't know if you made the best decision in changing your name. Now you sound British. Besides, Wasilewski is not that hard to say. It just makes people sound drunk when they say it. How are you finding life in America? Oh wait, you were born there. I hear you got kicked out a Christian boy's school. Did you go dancing? I think you're supposed to put a Bible's distance between you and the girl to fight temptation. I made the mistake of using an actual Bible and now no one wants to dance with me (it's really hard to dance attractively with a Bible). I've been watching your show for a while and I've discovered it's about this girl who has this diary that she uses to write about vampires. Pretty thrilling stuff. At least that is what the show was about until the diary mysteriously died... along with the crows and the fog. Maybe there was a crow epidemic. Fog is seasonal. (Good call killing off those details, writers.) I was very hesitant when I first started watching your show, but my coworker was addicted and got me addicted too. For one, I couldn't help thinking it was just a knock-off of Twilight (like most people I didn't know that the books by L. J. Smith were written long before) and though I appreciated all the great humor in Twilight (what? Wasn't it a comedy? It's not?! You're kidding!) I didn't love the idea of watching people get the blood sucked out of them. No offence. Guess what? I still don't. It's gross. Frankly, I'm far too squeamish for your show. Please stop going back into your past and feasting on people. Other than that you're amazing and I love you.

Do you know what I've heard helps with the blood craving? Milk. I'm allergic (to milk, not blood, that would be bad). Can vampires go to heaven? If I was a vampire I would probably just stick one of those wooden pegs in my heart, like some kind of living-dead euthanasia suicide, all three of which are very controversial. I can't help pointing out that both your onscreen and off screen significant others are slightly hard to compete with. Please fix. It must be hard, to work day in and day out with all those good looking people. Kind of sickening. I don't think I'd want to live in a town like Mystic Falls where every single person is like a 9 on the goodlooking scale. I would start punching people to make them ugly, because really if everyone is goodlooking, no one is goodlooking. You should suggest that to your producer, "more ugly people," otherwise it's just completely out of wack with the rest of the population and you lose your audience to unreality. I once accused my coworker of watching the show just to see two of the most beautiful men in the world run around and look manly for an hour and she said yes, that is true. Then I asked her who she preferred, and she said she preferred Damon, the bad brother, and that most people did. I think most people are stupid, so that makes sense, because despite Ian Somerhalder's insane beauty and his bad guy charm, there is something about you that makes me want to learn a Polish dance and declare my intentions to your parents. Question: if Edward Cullen and Stefan Salvatore had a fight to the death, would you win? Question: if Jacob had a fight to the death with Damon and in order to save Elena he had to sacrifice himself, would he do it so that he first convinces Stefan to pretend to be him so that Stefan dies too and then plant a time bomb to kill Jacob and all of the Twilight cast? Or would he go on the run? Sorry for all the questions. It's just I feel like if we are going to marry, we better get to know each other better. Oh, I thought I made that clear... I guess I started this letter off all wrong. How about this:

Damon, Elena and Stefan
Dear Paul Wesley, marry me.

Well, I hope this letter finds you well. I for one am feeling a little disillusioned as someone just rudely pointed out to me, 1. You are already married (which was of course the reason for me writing you but it didn't seem such an obstacle as when she said it) and 2. You don't know me. Some people are so hard on love. Don't they realize we are meant for each other? Maybe I can do that Polish dance for the wedding guests. I would let you do it with me but you would steal my thunder.

P.S We even have the same musical tastes. Except mine is even better.
P.P.S If I ever hear from Simon (see my letter Dear Simon Baker), I'm sorry but we're going to have to postpone the wedding. Possibly indefinitely. I hope you understand.

Love tons,



UPDATE: Just finished watching the second season. Apparently I was wrong. It did not work out so well for Elena. Also, I hope this doesn't get between us, but I am in love with your brother. This could get awkward fast.

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