Thursday, November 25, 2010


Soy bean dreams
What's a vegetarian/almost-vegan-because-she's-allergic-to-dairy to do in life? I don't know why I make my life harder by my vegetarianism choices when I've already got dairy allergies. I guess I figure having my life a little bit harder is better than eating cute little baby lambs. But having allergies is much harder than being a vegetarian, especially when what you are allergic to is the main ingredient in everything good. It's a little bit like being allergic to rainbows. And it's not the lactose that my body has decided to be racist against. I envy the lactose-intolerants of this world. They can take a magic pill and make it all go away. No, mine is not a bloated, gassy, intestinal disorder but a sneezy, itchy nose, eyes and throat, coughy, asthmatic, genuine allergy (not that the lactose-intolerants aren't genuine in their afflictions) and allergy pills work for me when it comes to seasonal allergies, but not for dairy.

Soy products aren't the best, I wouldn't lie to you. I remember trying to defend my soy milk in sixth grade when my friend tasted it, made a face and asked if it was made out of dog food. Well, gone are those days of loyalty. Some of the soy milks out there are just about the biggest frauds on the planet. How can the "So Good" and "So Nice" soy milk creators sleep at night knowing they have lied to us? "Not-So-Good" would be a generous but much more appropriate name change. And "So-So" would at least be nicer than "So Mean," which is more accurate.  It's like I say with rappers, if you have to write a song about how famous you are - just in case anyone missed it by the giant diamond encrusted dollar sign dangling around your neck - you are probably not as good as you think you are. The same goes for soy milks with egotistical names. Unfortunately I've never fallen in love with rice or almond milk. I don't know how they thought milking rice would be a good idea, but it isn't. Both are like drinking skim milk on a diet, only with the flavor of rice (??) or almond instead. But the best milk alternative out there I've had is "Silk." I am probably going to die from having too much Silk. It has Vitamin B12 in it and as my main food staple is cereal, the doctor said I have too much Vitamin B12 and she doesn't know what happens when you have too much because no one has ever had too much Vitamin B12 before...

And then there's soy cheese. I just want to point out that something has obviously gone terribly wrong when soy tries to imitate cheese and calls itself "soy loaf." That sounds delicious. Not.

Now for the purpose of writing this: whether allergic to dairy or a dairy glutton (there are a lot of you out there, don't pretend), it's called Luna (no, not Luna Lovegood) and Larry's Coconut Bliss ice cream alternative which might only be sold at Lifestyles Market. I have to give the credit to a girl I work with who told me about it. I know what you're thinking. It's no different than the rest of them, calling itself "bliss." You're right. It should be called "Coconut Pretty Darn Good" - let's not get carried away with this "bliss" business. But I interpret their name-narcissism to be from healthy ambition than deceit. I know it's currently winter, and Victoria, BC, of all places, is going through a freakish La Nina of snow, which is a lot like ice cream... did you know that ice cream sales have been known to go up during the winter? Talk about subliminal messaging. That has got to be a dead giveaway that all is not right with the world. Anyway, soy ice cream generally sucks, but this isn't soy, it's coconut milk. Coconut milk is good. End of story.

...right after this: Okay, I have a confession. The real reason I'm writing this post is to submit it to win "my own Coconut Bliss tasting kit to have my own tasting party for my friends and family..." It's a contest... I get all excited about contests...  I'm also getting a petition signed to get Coconut Bliss in Thrifty Foods. Some things are worth fighting for.

You can look at Luna and Larry's genius invention here if you want (they sound like cartoon characters, which they probably actually are as most cartoon characters are smarter than humans):

UPDATE: Coconut Bliss is now in Thrifty's! But no help to me. I didn't even manage to send the petition. But I did email the makers so they could email Thrify's and use their wiles to make it happen.

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