The Second to Last Unicorn

I tried to read The Last Unicorn by Peter S. Beagle which was written in the late 60's, probably the best time in history to write something about unicorns, but I couldn't finish it. I'm so mad because he totally stole the title for the book I'm writing. I just hope the title "The Second to Last Unicorn" is still available. I heard about the book from someone in my writing class who asked me what kind of books I like to read (I said I liked fantasy, the classics like Dickens and Austen, as well as pretty much any good fiction). And she recommended it. Who was I to argue? I mean besides the fact that it's one of my favorite love-hate pastimes (arguing). But I didn't actually think the book would be from the perspective of a unicorn. Let me give you a glimpse into the mind of a unicorn. "Hi, I'm a unicorn. I eat grass and sparkles. I'm spiky. And magic!" But maybe I am going about this the wrong way. Maybe if I read it as a kid's book, I would be like, "Whoa, what a good book," like the first Harry Potter book. I know some people didn't like the first one as much as the later ones, mainly because the first is written as a kid's book, and the later ones are more young adult (I think I would pee my pants if I read the later ones as a kid, but so many kids do! I mean read them, but the other also applies). I happen to love the first Harry Potter for its good editing and polished writing. I find the more I develop my own writing, the harder it is to read some of my favorite books, as well as the fact that I'm reading them as an adult. It is one of those sad facts of life, that things you love as a child just don't hold up as an adult. My favorite is rewatching movies I watched as a kid and thinking it was a good thing I didn't understand half the things they were talking about. It's like finding out the trusted mounties are actually just corrupt, sexist cowboys. And that's why I love unicorns. They can't be corrupted. They poop rainbows.

Unicorns can be your best friends because they aren't real, so they never stop loving you. Or your worst enemies (their horns are very sharp). Like me, I find people who love unicorns are often down to earth and successful, like Don Geiss' daughter Kathy on 30 Rock. But you have to be careful who you share your unicorn love with. Not everyone will understand. Some people will assume you are trapped at age 5.  To fight this type of ignorance, just tell them, "You wouldn't understand. It's a secret." (And then Jim Halpert will say, "I wouldn't understand or it's a secret?" And Michael Scott will say, "You wouldn't understand Jim. It's a secret.") Or they might assume you are one of those people who pretend to be weird just to be different in the misguided hopes that people will like them better. I understand those people. I am also terrified of them for the same reason some people are afraid of their mothers. They're scared they'll turn into them (not me, I love my mom). But we all just want to be liked better, to be special, for someone to go out of their way to say, "You are one of a kind." The problem is, "special" can mean many things, and they may be calling you special in a way that you don't realize. When I was little I was walking around with my mom at the mall and I said to her, "Mom, I feel like everyone is looking at me and thinking, she's so special!" Little did I know they meant "special." Just kidding. I was cute then, so when people stopped to look at me, it was a compliment. Now when people stop to look at me they think, "Is that natural?" But maybe that is because I like to wear a horn sticking out of my forehead to emulate my favorite fairytale princess, Princess Unicorn, (the popular little girl's toy from The Office that Dwight sold for a profit to Toby and Darryl). She has the magic of a Barbie and a unicorn in one! Now, if I actually did that, I would be one of those people who try really hard to be weird in the hopes of being popular. But as much as I might be an attention-seeker, I usually know the difference between good attention and bad attention. I have my parents to thank for that, because let me tell you, the only difference between them and me, is that I was hugged enough as a child.

For your unicorn collection:

Princess Unicorn "Her horn can pierce the sky!" You can buy Princess Unicorn t-shirts on her website.

"Caution:
•Wash hands thoroughly after handling Princess Unicorn.

•Do not play with Princess Unicorn if you are allergic to lead based paint.

•The spike on Princess Unicorn is incredibly sharp, so Princess Unicorn can pierce the sky. It can also pierce your skin. Handle with care."

The Avenging Unicorn play set, "With 4 Magical Horns and 3 Figurines to Impale!"

Unicorn vs. Narwhal action figurines 

It's still not 100% clear whether sharing my unicorn love is work-appropriate. But if I didn't tell people myself, the "U for Unicorn" picture hanging in my cubicle would probably give me away. I colored it myself. Besides, how else would I have found out about the game "Robot Unicorn Attack?" I would explain it, but... robot... unicorn... attacking... I don't know how.

Robot Unicorn Attack Game with Games68.com