Monday, February 20, 2012

The Weak Shop

"The first rule of Mustache Club is...
don't be in Mustache Club."
If you suffer from weakness or back pain or tiredness or are plagued with general sloth, this blog post is for you! I would like to promote some "weak" products that you might find helpful as a fellow sufferer. As you may know from previous posts or from real life interaction (if you don't know what that is you should join a club. At UVic they have clubs for everything: Knitting club, Anime club, Gluten-Free club, Quidditch club, Pokemon club, Tree Climbing club. It doesn't matter how socially awkward you are, they have a club for you) I have back, knee and hip problems so I've started seeing a chiropractor. As in he is fixing my back - though I do have secret intentions for marriage that he doesn't know about. He's in competition with my pharmacist. When I go get my anti-crazy pills I say to my parents, "I'm just going to see my boyfriend to get some drugs!" and they understand exactly what I mean, though sometimes they are a little concerned. I keep meaning to find out my future pharmacist husband's schedule because lately I haven't seen him. He is probably avoiding me. By virtue of getting drugs from him, he now knows I am mentally unstable. He also knows I have a malfunctioning bowel because I once had to ask him where the psyllium husks were and he directed me to the old people's aisle... right next to the Depends. If he ends up rejecting me I will just bounce back with, "Oh yeah? Well how come it always takes the pharmacists so long to get my pills? Is it the counting? They get to twenty-nine and the phone rings and they have to start over again?" I am full of good insults.

As for my chiropractor, I just started seeing him so this is called the "intensive" period. I see him seven times in four weeks, AKA I have seven dates to make him fall in love with me - and he thought intense was referring to the back adjustments... I don't think it's going so well though. Sure, my back is getting better, but like the pharmacist, my chiropractor has found out another one of my deep, dark secrets: poor childbearing hips (I think I may need to start looking outside of my medical help for husbands).  The upside of looking for a husband in the medical profession is you can confess your love to them and if it doesn't go over well you just have to cite doctor-patient confidentiality. It's like a safety clause to say whatever the heck you want. I've always been afraid to see chiropractors. I inherited my paranoia from my dad who had a chiropractor run across the room and perform a wrestling move on his back. My dad swore, got up and left (limping). But this chiropractor has a sweet video x-ray that shows you how your spine moves and you get to see everything that is wrong with you. It's kind of depressing. My hips are tilted back and downward and among other misaligned vertebrae, my neck is crooked. I said to my chiropractor, "That must have been when my mom dropped me on my head as a baby." He was like, "Really?" I said, "No, sorry, not really." He said, "I'll have to get used to your humor." Don't we all, Mr. Chiropractor, don't we all. When his assistant did a thermal scan of my back she was like, "That's the worst I've ever seen! Sorry." Granted she hasn't been there for long but it was very confirming. I said, "Thank you!" You don't always get to choose how you are special. The good news is that spending all that money on the chiropractor is apparently a great motivator for getting fit and doing all my stretches to the point where I am so sick of stretching I could die. That is the good news. The bad news is I am deformed.

So sometimes I need a little help. The Weak Shop offers me that. And they're Canadian! Here are some of my favorite products:

Wallet Walker

Wallet Walker
"Money's enough of a burden without having to carry it.

"Carrying your wallet is so 1985. Use a Wallet Walker and let the ground carry your wallet for you!"
Food LiftFood Lift
"Getting food to your mouth can be hard work.

"Now you can enjoy all the foods you love without the chore of using a knife and fork. Order your Food Lift online and we’ll include the Super Bib absolutely free. What a deal!"
Support HatSupport Hat
"Feeling too weak to hold your head up straight?

"Hold your head high again with the Support Hat! Simply attach the patented Ultra Elastic bungee cord suction cups to any nearby flat surface. Look energetic and alert without feeling energetic and alert."
Gian Cursor
Giant Cursor
"Moving a computer mouse can be so tiring!

"How many times have you wished you had a really big cursor so that you wouldn’t have to move your computer mouse as much? Well, your wish has come true. Choose a smaller cursor when you’re feeling stronger." Download on their website!

Chair Pants
"Take sitting to the next level with Chair Pants!

"A rigid, yet supple polypropylene cup gently cradles your behind. To activate your Chair Pants simply make a sitting motion. Stand up and the Chair Pants legs fold neatly away."






Testimonials:

 

"I’m not a very good tennis player. After I got my Long Arm Tennis Racquet I still wasn’t a very good player, but at least I didn’t have to chase the ball as much. And that’s good enough for me."

Chad, Toronto, ON

"I've saved thousands of dollars with my chair pants. I may never need to buy another chair again."

Carl, Abbotsford, BC

2 comments:

  1. Faith's Book....like facebook with a lisp. hahahahaha love it Faithy (hope you don't mind me calling you that. I remember you clearly as a smiley little 8 year old (or so). You must be an English major. I haven't read a blog written by someone your age who has good grammar and can actually spell. Well done! And hilarious I might add :D

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    1. Thanks!!!! Close: English minor. ;)

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