Wednesday, November 9, 2011

How to Be Positive About Anything Ever

If you haven't seen this video, go here.
People who have never been depressed don't understand it (something I find hard to believe. How have you never been depressed? Has nothing bad ever happened to you in your entire life? Did a leprechaun come down from leprechaun land and give you his lucky charms? Don't trust him. He's no good.) Well, good for you! Way to not know what it's like to feel like nobody in the world loves you and that your dog doesn't even care if you are laying there on the ground disemboweled begging for a glass of water (dog's aren't very good at getting glasses of water, but still, harsh). Way to be perfect. But for the rest of us people who have experienced depression, we usually don't want to talk about it because it's somehow embarrassing, like saying you have herpes. When your mentality is ill it's hard to be objective about it because it is inside your very being and when you ask your brain, "Are you depressed or is this just who I am?" your messed up brain is probably just like, "F U self!" It's like expecting the protagonist of a book to try and figure out what the author is thinking. Think about it. They say cognitive therapy is really important, learning how to train your mind to think positively (for example, when Peter Pan is depressed he can't visit his love Wendy because he can't fly and she is getting old really quick so he gets even more depressed in a vicious cycle of unhappy thoughts. If only he knew cognitive therapy...). Some people need antidepressants because their brain chemicals are all messed up. Whatever your doctor tells you, try to stay away from drugs that end in "caine," "roine," "eth," or "juana." It never works out as well as you think. I'm going to try my own brand of cognitive therapy, which will soon be a best-seller self-help book. Here is a sneak peak from my book How to Stay Positive About Anything Ever.

1. When you are so depressed you start crying while making dinner because the task seems so overwhelming, make the best out of the situation and cry into your cooking. Just think. Free salt!
2. When your computer keeps crashing at work, just think of it as a good excuse to stop working and still get paid.
3. When people make you mad by asking you stupid things like "What's your sign?" or send you a request to join Farmville on Facebook so they can get an extra cabbage - instead of punching them in the face, think of how stupid they are and take solace in the fact that God made you smarter.
4. Now that we have officially reached 7 billion people in the world (read this article Seven Billion and Counting) and are probably going to explode, when you get old and everyone you know starts dying (note to self: die first) try to start thinking of it as a tally: one down, 6.99999999999 billion to go.
5. When your real vegetables go bad, not your cabbage on Farmville, because you were too depressed to cook anything because it always makes you cry, think of it as a present for your compost. If you don't have a compost, then you are just a bad, bad person and there is no hope for you.
6. If you get gangrene and have to amputate your leg (hopefully you don't have to it), think of it this way: it is literally the world's fastest way to lose weight.
7. If you get gangrene and also have to amputate your arm and now can only swim in circles, think of it this way: 50% off manicures for life!!!!
8. When you miss garbage day and realize you have to wait another two weeks before the city takes your garbage because you are far too lazy to go to the landfill (seriously, who does that?) and you have all these vegetables that have gone bad because you are too depressed to cook anything and you don't have a compost because you are a bad person, just imagine that maybe you accidentally threw away a cheque and it's lucky you still have all that garbage to go through, then become a hoarder and never throw anything out ever.
9. When it feels like you have no friends and no one in the entire world likes you, think of it this way: you can pretty much do whatever the heck you want, including farting loudly in public. No one likes you anyway.
10. When life gives you lemons take them back and use the refund to get yourself some nice fruit you can actually eat and then write life a letter to stop giving you lemons and start giving you winning tickets to the lottery. Here I'll write it for you. Feel free to use it as a template.

P.S. In case you didn't see it, there's a new poll at the bottom of the page! "What would be your ideal mode of transport from life to the afterlife?"

P.P.S. Jesus still likes you, even if you fart loudly in public.

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