Thursday, April 7, 2011

The Adventures of Chompo and Olivia: Downsizing

I'm just in the middle of moving. It's horrible. Don't do it. The worst part about moving isn't how much work it is, or the fact that I am leaving the home I have lived in for my entire life, but that the place I am moving into is even smaller than the place I have now. And that's saying something. Downsizing is always painful, but downsizing to the point where I have to give up my entire collection of stuffed animals? That, my friend, is cruel. You may say I am too old to have stuffies. If you did, I would have to use great self-control not to attack you with angry words. You are never too old to have stuffies, especially if they are the ones you have had for many years and have already pared down as much as possible without losing your soul in the process. How can I possibly say goodbye to such innocent, vulnerable creatures, wholly dependent on my love? How do you tell someone, that you care about deeply, you're going away forever? Gently? With a rose? In a funny way? Like it's a hilarious joke? Or do you just let it go. Because saying it would just make it worse... Probably the funny way.

If you didn't get that it was courtesy of Michael Scott from The Office. Except instead of "how do you tell someone you're going away forever," he says, "how do you tell someone I told you so."

This is how: through the mediation of hamsters. You may know these particular hamsters from Chompo and Olivia's Christmas Adventures in which they first became famous.

The Adventures of Chompo and Olivia: Downsizing

Chompo and Olivia were moving. Pack, pack, pack, chomp, chomp, chomp (oops that was Chompo biting one of the boxes, hamsters are not very good packers), when suddenly they heard desperate, squeaky voices that chilled them to the hamster bone.

After investigation they found the source and climbed up a giant black mountain labeled "Faith," from which were issuing the desperate, squeaky voices that chilled them to the hamster bone. "Do we dare open it?" Olivia asked. Chompo was about to say, "Are you kidding?" but wanting to impress her with his bravery, he said yes.

Inside was a large batch of stuffed animals. Blue Rabbit with the Missing Eye said, "Why are we in a garbage bag? Are our lives so meaningless that we can be thrown out with the trash?" which despite his obvious harmlessness Chompo still found creepy. Olivia tried to explain to them that they were being downsized, but their brains were made of fluff and they could not understand. 

Chompo and Olivia decided they might have a better chance with Big Bear instead. "Your owner is moving and can no longer accommodate you at her new residence," Olivia explained. "You will be donated, hopefully not to a daycare run by a corrupt purple bear," Olivia said. But Big Bear had not seen Toy Story 3 and therefore did not understand the reference. Chompo decided to try a different tactic: "You are just too big to be allowed." Olivia gave him a glare.

After further introspection, the owner of the stuffies was unable to get rid of all of them without a large part of her dying and the unfortunate downsizees were whittled down to a small minority of the least sentimental of stuffies. Chompo and Olivia tried once again to explain their sad fate to unsuccessfully. Chompo badly wanted to tell Tigger to wipe the smile off his face for the love of Murphy, but knew Olivia wouldn't appreciate it.

Then Olivia fell down a crack. Chompo shouted down at her: "Olivia, are you okay? Can you hear me? Lord, I'm not a praying hamster, but if you could please-" until Olivia interrupted him. "I'm fine, just gotta wiggle my way out." But Chompo started to cry. He couldn't handle the suspense. "Are you crying?" Olivia said. Chompo sniffled. "Stop crying and get some rope," Olivia said, always the levelheaded hamster.

And so the remaining stuffies rejoiced at being saved from abandonment. They had a party. It wasn't anyone's birthday, but they put the sign up to be festive, and even One-Eyed Rabbit was in a good mood. Troll and bear species put their differences aside and partied as one. This is what happens when near tragedy befalls us, foe becomes friend and stuffies begin to rethink their values.

Except for Cabbage Patch Baby. He got into the Alcoholic Beverages and though they had expressly written on the can "NOT FOR BABIES" no one had the heart to take it away. There is great pressure among the stuffie community not to be party-poopers. 

Even Smart Bear let loose, his glasses askew, and drank some "Really Strong Alcoholic Beverage," even though that too had written on it "NOT FOR BEARS."

Chompo and Olivia had their second kiss. What can I say? The party celebrations got to their heads, encouraged by certain other influences.


~ The End ~

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