Thursday, December 31, 2015

I Guess It's New Years

It's been a long time since I wrote a blog post so I've given myself until the end of the year to write one... Bad joke. Unfortunately tonight is New Years Eve and everyone is getting ready to celebrate the end of a year and the beginning of a new one. Did I say unfortunately? My bad. Personally I think we should all be wearing black shrouds and throw ashes over our left shoulder to mourn the death of 2015. But maybe nobody loved 2015 that much and maybe everyone is just excited for it to hurry up and die so we can celebrate the birth of a new year. Who knows. People are strange.

I've come up with a genius idea that I'm sure others have come up with long before me: turn on the TV and watch the New Years celebrations from some random Eastern country like China and THEN GO TO BED AT A NICE, DECENT, EARLY HOUR. This is my solution to the biggest problem I have with New Years: it's way past my bedtime. I mean really, I can barely make it past 10 o'clock let alone midnight and you expect me to drive home after? That's just not fair to other people on the road. And no one wants to hang out at a party with a girl asleep on the couch. You can find me there with the drunk girl passed out next to me. Let's just hope she doesn't throw up.

There's a lot of pressure surrounding New Years Eve. For one, we just had Christmas and Christmas is literally the best thing in the world, so good luck following that one. Also, isn't everyone fat from eating chocolate and turkey? So like, now we're supposed to put on cute little dresses that don't fit us anymore and feel great about it? And high heels? Give me a break. I wore those at my Christmas work party. Don't make me bring those out again for at least another year. And they were only kitten heels! Imagine me in full-grown-cat heels. Can't see me? I'm the one fallen over in the ditch, my too short dress up past my new love handles. Why isn't it just tradition to have a PJ's New Years Eve celebration. We can all wear onesies and eat more turkey. Or if we really want to start the New Year off right, wear a track suit and get some exercise to kick-off our New Years resolutions while we still feel excited about them, instead of resenting the fact we ever made them or shared publicly what will inevitably be a giant failure. Too pessimistic? Wait until February and then get back to me. An even worse pressure point for New Years for us single people: finding a date. And if you do find one there is the immense pressure of that super awkward New Years kiss with someone you probably don't actually like too much because you panicked under the pressure and asked out the first person you came across, either one you hardly know, or one you've known for years and once witnessed picking their nose and you've never been able to look at them the same since. But the irony is that if you don't find a date there is that let down of not having anybody to kiss at all and scouring the room for anybody, anybody will do, anything really - a dog, a stuffed animal, a baby, a piece of ham - to smooch and not feel so terribly alone. And to think I am an optimist at heart.

I'm one of those people who love to prolong Christmas as much as possible so New Years always comes as a shock. It happens every year and yet I forget this is actually a big deal to people. I'm still wanting to do Christmasy things with my family. We spend literally hours opening presents Christmas day and don't have brunch until 2 o'clock, then we have our Christmas dinner Boxing day because all that in one day is just ridiculous and this year my mom and I fought with the turkey trying to cut it in half because it was still partially frozen, putting our literal blood, sweat and tears into it as my mom cut herself and I sweat profusely and cried. So when New Years comes along I am still in denial that Christmas is over. Not only that, but as if I've had any time to even think about New Years or start my guilty deliberations over whether I will actually go to that party I was invited to because hey, I was finally invited to one, and actually have an answer to that fateful question "what are you doing for New Years," or stay at home like my heart of hearts desires because talking to people is hard. I'm just trying not to cry that they stopped playing Christmas songs on Boxing Day, and even more sacrilege, stopped playing them on Praise 106.5 the day after Boxing Day. Like they're sick of celebrating Jesus' birth already? So what God came to earth in the form of a little baby to save us all, that was yesterday, we live in the now. Sure there are people who hate Christmas music, but they should probably go away for Christmas (maybe forever), a nice trip to Hawaii say - we could even all pitch in and start a fund for them in the spirit of Christmas itself and watch as a bucket of burning coals falls on their head. I'm still in denial that I'm back at work and in awe that people care about their pension and have questions about their T4 because they are overplanners and have no love in their life. I mean it's not even 2016 for goodness sake, why are you wanting to do your taxes? What's wrong with you and why are you calling me? Yes, this is a call centre but don't you have something better to do like buy Christmas decorations at significantly reduced prices?

I guess I love New Years in theory. In reality, I am neither a particularly classy person or a drinker and we all know New Years is supposed to be this super-duper classy night with sparkly dresses and champagne in those annoyingly small glasses, or a drunkfest with those not-so-small glasses. But maybe I'm going about this all wrong. New Years is a beautiful thing if you think of it more as a way of prolonging the holidays, a nice finale to take the edge off the disappointment of Christmas being over, a time to reflect on the year just past and welcome in all the good things you hope the new year will bring, no matter whether your dreams come true or not. You don't have to mourn last year for what didn't happen or the bad things that did, instead you look forward to new opportunities and a clean slate, and wherever you can, you do your best to make those dreams come true and trust God for the rest.

So no black mourning clothes and no ashes. Put on those high heels, fall in that ditch and get back up again. Embrace that too tight dress, wage war with those too tight pants and drink that champagne in that ridiculously small glass whether you like the taste or not. Because you can and you are a grown up and you are alive, so that's something. Or just sit at home by the fire made from the firewood your dad brought you because you are too weak to chop your own and don't have a boyfriend to do it for you, and eat even more chocolate than you did at Christmas until you go into a chocolate coma, then go to bed at 10 o'clock. Either way is fine by me. Yes I am allergic to chocolate. So what? Tomorrow is a new year! My immune system can wait. It's really just a miracle I don't have a life-threatening strand of influenza right now from all the chocolate I've eaten. And I didn't even get the flu shot. I guess you could say I like to live on the edge, kind of like James Bond (AKA slightly disappointing and overdramatic).

Wishing you a Happy New Year, friends, with all God's blessings and maybe some nice walks and a salad. May the force be strong with you in 2016.