Friday, July 13, 2012


I just wanted to update you on what has happened since my blog post "You Win Special Snack," regarding my winnings. I now have only one Coconut Bliss coupon left for a free pint of the best coconut milk ice-cream in the world, except for the stack of coupons only usable in the States, so next time I go over, boy am I going to be in bliss. NOTE: I have never gone over. I still use my Coconut Bliss water bottle. But let's just say it's seen better days. You see, I am a little bit clutsy with my water bottle. My coworkers call me a "spilly-talka" (I always thought they were saying "taco" with some kind of gangster accent but I just found out it's "talker" with a Scottish accent. Somehow taco made sense to me. Because tacos are spilly...?). Some people are just spilly people. Like my mother, may she rest in peace (she's alive. In fact I live with her. She's just been looking a little haggard lately and I want her to have a good rest. Just kidding mom, I don't want you to have a good rest?). I like to put a positive spin on everything, so I made up a slogan for her and I say it every time she spills something: "Valerie: she makes a splash wherever she goes." As for myself, my problem is a combination of things that I have no control over:
    Weak Mug
    Weak Shop Mug
  1. Spilly genetics (as seen above)
  2. Chronic fatigue (that's why I need The Weak Shop mug with three handles)
  3. Shaky hand syndrome
  4. Artist's absent-minded syndrome
I have knocked over my water bottle on my desk approximately 10 times. Many of those times it was full of water and nearly killed my electronic devices. And yes, it does have a lid. But you have to put it back on for it to be useful.

As someone who needs a ridiculous amount of water (I have to drink 7-8 bottles of water a day so while the average person is 50-60% water, I am 90% water, 10% good intentions) I am always drinking, which means I am approximately four times more likely to spill something than the average person. This is what I like to tell myself. And people with bowel issues can't afford to get dehydrated or they shrivel up like a prune. Did you know that you can go two years without food but you can only go two hours without water before you die? (I made that up.) My Coconut Bliss water bottle is the only one I use: at work, on my bike and at home, and I take it with me wherever I go, like a blanky-bear (different from a security blanket, which I leave at home). The reason I love that water bottle is as much to do with my ego (it's the one thing I've ever won) as it is to do with science: it's stainless steel, not plastic, so the water doesn't taste funny after sitting in there and plastic particles don't mess with your brain chemistry; it doesn't have any copper around the rim to make it taste metallic and mess with your iron levels; it fits aerodynamically into my bike's bottle holder and the top screws on easy. There is a lot of science that goes into the perfect water bottle people. But after more than a few violent encounters with the ground, it now looks like it's been through a few world wars and the dents on the bottom make it as tippy as a drunken sailor. I tried bashing it on the concrete more than once to put it back into shape but to no avail.

water bottle with bullet hole was among the artifacts found at a world war I battlefield in Turkey.
A water bottle with a bullet hole was among the
artifacts found during an archaeological survey
of a First World War site, the Anzac battlefield
 in Turkey. It may or may not have been the same
one as mine.
One day I spilled my water bottle all over my desk just after my coworker Shelly left for the day. I was lying out my soggy papers on the floor to dry (reminiscent of A Beautiful Mind) when I heard Shelly, who shouldn't have been there anyway, say, "Did you spill again?" Hearing her, another coworker came over and then another and then my boss heard and came over and the jig was up. That's when the truth got out about me. Well, I have finally spilt my water bottle one too many times, my friends. You know you have done something one too many times when your boss finally comes over and actually orders you to get rid of your water bottle because it is becoming a hazard to the computer equipment... But there was no way I was parting with my prize. No sir. So I went to the bathroom and using the rounded water faucet I slammed that baby into the bottom of my water bottle until it sat flat. And if I ended up breaking the company's water faucet in the process, well, I could say my boss told me to. Who's winning now, huh?

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