My List of Frees

I am very pleased that Canada Post is finally off their strike. I regret that the children at the Post factory had to be forced back to work by their parents, but I am thankful that the result means that my free Fruit Loops t-shirt from my cereal box codes will finally be in the mail. Like a cruel twist of fate, however, I did not get my t-shirt in time to actually eat Fruit Loops while wearing my special mail-order Fruit Loops t-shirt because I've just started a new wheat-free, sugar-free diet.

But I did find these awesome pictures of Kellogg's old-school cereal "Sugar Smacks" over the years. This is probably the creepest cereal known to man. Notice the frog in the picture says, "Gimme a smack!" which obviously means the cereal is laced with smack, and after a couple days of eating a bowl for breakfast, I'm sure the marketers thought putting a picture of Spock pointing a gun at the children consuming their sugar-coated cocaine was a great idea. And freakish clowns, of course, are always a safe option. But why am I starting a new wheat-free, sugar-free diet? You know what? That's private.

Song of Solomon Pick-Up Lines

I dedicate this post to Claire Kingston for her birthday, an amazing girl who deserves the best. May the man that wins your heart woo you with words as rich as Solomon's and give you lots of  XOXOXOXOXOXOXXOXOXOXOX's

To see the secret birthday message above, highlight the pink lines.

I told you there would be more of Solomon to come (see the bottom of my last post Things People in Charge Didn't Tell You). It's a matter of trust. Slowly I am building that trust between us like a magnificent eagle builds trust with, well, no one. Eagles don't trust anyone. Eagles will pretend they are trustworthy and then eat you. Did you know a harpy eagle can crush a human skull with one of its talon? Of course, there has never been a reported incident of an eagle attacking a human but that's because an eagle has crushed their skull. I'd like to see you try and report something after your skull has been crushed by an eagle. Yeah, not so high and mighty now are you? What I was trying to get across with that metaphor is that by taking small steps to gain your trust, I will soon have you under my complete control and you will learn to trust me with your very life.

But not your soul. That would be blasphemous.

If you don't know, "Song of Songs" is a book in the Bible written by King Solomon, a guy God gave the gift of wisdom. I don't question the fact that he was wise just because his pick-up lines were odd, I question the woman he was writing to. Either the female sex in Biblical times was easily flattered or this girl was one of a kind. Here is a good commentary if you're interested: http://www.westarkchurchofchrist.org/library/songofsongs.htm. It's actually a beautiful love story of a girl who has to choose between a king who only wants her for her body but who can give her anything, and a shepherd who truly loves her. And it makes for some attention-grabbing, horrendously original pick-up lines.



This video is credited to Luke Taylor for bringing it to my attention. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Mobster Babies

This is why I wish I had a twin. We would have had the best conversations in the history of the world.



Didn't quite catch that? Here's the translated version by an expert translator.



I believe this particular translation is 99% accurate (I only get my information from the best sources money can buy so you know I can be trusted. Plus, you are always free to check their legitimacy by clicking here).

All-Stars to the Rescue

This post is dedicated to the Public Service Announcements of the world. What would we do without you? I would be on crack cocaine right now if it weren't for the important morals taught me via TV public service announcements. I missed the amazing moral-lesson craze that happened in cartoons in the 80's, but I definitely saw some of them afterward and got a taste of it in Sesame Street. Here is one awesome cartoon movie you may or may not remember depending on whether you were older than 3 years old when it came out: Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue, courtesy of Tyler Woolley.

It was a cartoon television special in 1990 aimed at drug prevention that McDonald's put on (it's okay though, doing drugs is obviously worse than eating food full of hormones, so it's not as hypocritical as at first it may seem.) It's got all the popular cartoons, a motley crew from blue men (they always seem to come up, see my post Old Spice Sesame-ed) to aliens to Slimer, which they had to get permission from all of them to use (er... well, they were supposed to). It was simulcast on all three major American television networks and the VHS edition opened with an intro from President George H. W. Bush and Barbara Bush. Hold up, an ex-President of the United States of America introduced this show? AND the ex-First Lady? Now you have no choice. Maybe you don't know this but it is against the law not to watch anything that the President, in particular any of the Bush family of presidents, has personally endorsed, whether or not you are an American citizen or not. Not watching it is not an option at this point.

Ode to the Biebs

 Biebs is the best. His talent is mind boggling and he has a stage presence that makes the Queen weak at the knees. And can you believe he's only twelve? So much accomplished for a child star.

You see, he has something so many musicians don't have, nice hair. But to the Biebs everything comes naturally. He has both charm and charisma (p.s. those are the same thing). But more importantly, he is a gentleman and a scholar, as proved below. So this is my ode to Justin Bieber. Yes, I caught the Bieber train, and while I was on that train I caught Bieber Fever from the guy sitting next to me and died singing, "I was like, baby, baby, baby, OH!"

Dearest Dave Wallace

 February 4, 2011  

 Dearest Dave Wallace, 

         Why are you so famous now? Question: if I gave you a hug would I catch whatever disease you have that brought you to sudden fame and glory? What's it like to be on international television? Okay, so it was the local news, but still, if the whole world happened to be in Victoria then you WOULD be televised internationally, or, which is more likely, if every nationality were represented in Victoria (which it pretty much is) and happened to be watching the local news, then called all their family in far away countries, it would be pretty much synonymous with international television.

Old Spice Sesame-ed

Okay so you might have seen this already, but there's no logical reason why you shouldn't see it again. It's an oldie but a goodie as they say (geeks, I mean. Geeks say that).

Robots: Evil or Good? What your parents never told you.

I know I'm a little late flying the Battlestar spaceship, but I've recently started watching Battlestar Galactica and am beginning to suspect that many people I know are actually cylons. Possibly myself. Probably my dog and 100% positive Lady Gaga (it's true). If you don't know, cylons are robots, but they can look like humans, so that pretty much kills mankind's chances right there. But don't start turning on each other because some people are actually cylons and don't even know it. Really we're probably all cylons. But tell me this, what is the good in being a robot if you don't even know you are? The cylons were not very smart when they implemented that part of the plan. Yes they get to feel all the good emotions of being human, but they also have to feel all the crappy ones and have all the same problems too. If I made robots that looked like humans they sure as heck wouldn't have to go to the bathroom. They would be indestructible and not feel pain, and they wouldn't put on clothes and be insecure about whether they look fat (I have no idea if any of those statements are true of cylons. Battlestar Galactica hasn't covered all the specifics in the everyday life of a cylon yet, but I'm sure they'll get around to that eventually. Besides, for all I know regular old robots think they look fat in their metal coverings too).

Trigon Commercials (Videos)

These are two of the funniest kids in the whole world:


"We're doin' business here."

Baby Politician's Are Better Than Adult Politicians (Video)

This is one of my favorite videos of all time. First time: watch her talk. Second time: read the subtitles along with it. I'm pretty sure I can understand this baby better than Stephen Harper.

Accordion Kid (Video)

What makes a great musician? Like any artist, you need to love what you do. You can play out of tune and fall off the stage but if you've got heart, at least they'll say of you, "YEAH, BUT AT LEAST HE'S GOT HEART!" (said really loud because their ears are bleeding). And if this kid never makes it to post-secondary education, at least he has known love. For his accordion.

Star Wars and The Matrix in LEGO (Videos)

These people are geniuses. I wish we could all be so talented. And have a lot of time on our hands. These people probably also have bed sheets of Hans Solo and Princess Leia holding hands and have practiced to perfection the Chewbacca noise. I've tried. It's hard. Oh, and best to do in private.