Dating Debunked

This is the sequel to the blog post Singlehood Debunked. Some people found that blog post depressing. I have only one thing to say to that: "HAHAHAHA." Some people found it encouraging and related to it well, mission accomplished! Now I'm going to talk about dating, because Christians are weird about dating. Now you are thinking, "Yes but, Christians are just weird," and my response would be: "This is true..." Previously just the idea of dating made me cringe with it's awkwardness and vulnerability. Oh wait, nothing has changed. I'm sure there are people out there who aren't awkward on first dates, but I don't know them and have no desire to unless they can teach me their secret, ninja ways. Who are these mysterious people? Where do they live? What do they do? No one knows. But they probably live in those tiny houses the environmentalist in us thinks are cool but only 0.01% of the population can actually live in and maintain their sanity. That's why they like dating. It gets them out of their tiny house.

For many years I wallowed in self-pity over my lack of dates. I developed serious insecurities and was convinced something was wrong with me. Ok so a lot of things are wrong with me, but I mean something that made me undesirable. It didn't matter how much my family or friends loved me, I was convinced the opposite sex was simply repelled by my presence. God saved me from a lot of heartache, but there was a lot of pain along the way and a lot of needless night-time tears, because as everyone knows night-time is when your bedroom becomes a glass box of emotions where insecurities run rampant and logic and reason sit back and laugh... at you. I share this because I know feeling undesirable is a huge struggle for a lot of single women and men, and something dating can do is affirm that you are in fact desirable, that you are just as worthy of love as anyone else, even if it doesn't work out, and that you should not settle for less. For me, dating has only confirmed again and again that insecurities are often untrue, unattractive and unnecessary. So throw them away.

This is why I believe that dating in the right way - and this is the key - is really, really good for us. It is a growing experience and growing can be painful. "Leave me as I am!" I say. "Improve me? Impossible! I'm way too stubborn for that!" I mentioned the book, Boundaries in Dating by Dr. Townsend and Dr. Cloud in my previous blog post and I also mentioned that my mom gave me this book after a previous breakup as if she was cryptically trying to say something. Just what she was trying to say no one will ever know. I'm mentioning this book again because it was incredibly helpful to know where I had gone wrong in my previous relationships and how to deal with future ones. There is one chapter on physical boundaries, but like every Christian-camp kid I have an encyclopedic knowledge of physical boundaries drilled into me from camp sex-talk nights. What I did not know enough about was emotional boundaries and how incredibly important they are, and this I feel is something we are missing in society as a whole. How many abusive relationships could be avoided before Stockholm Syndrome sets in, if women, and men, knew how to set emotional boundaries? If we only knew how to recognize those crucial red flags, so much unnecessary pain could be avoided. However, I still believe that physical boundaries are the number one most important part of a relationship, because whether you like it or not, sex is intrinsically linked to your emotions - to your very soul - and makes all the emotional boundaries that inevitably get crossed once you have already crossed the physical ones, ten times more intense.

This book encourages dating and debunks the belief that many Christians have that dating is a bad thing or something to be avoided. It taught me what characteristics in a date are okay and what are not and how to deal with someone who is has unhealthy boundaries. For example someone who might very well be kind and loving but who lies to get out of things, or someone who is manipulative or self-centred and maybe doesn't even realize it, how to tell that person in a loving way that their behaviour is not okay and that they either need to make some changes or I will have no choice but to humiliate them in public by pantsing them... Um, sorry, I mean, I'll have no choice but to move on. Why? Because I respect myself and the person too much to continue in an unhealthy relationship, because not addressing the issues someone has that are hurting you means not giving them the chance to grow, and because staying in that relationship if they refuse to grow is actually doing that person, and you, a disservice.

However, not being taught about emotional boundaries until now, combined with being a total relationship newb, I got into some deep waters a while ago in some of my (thankfully) short-lived relationships with guys who found it was all too easy to manipulate me. Previous to this I thought I was this smart, strong, independent woman like Erin Brockovich minus the biker man. I was convinced I was pretty much immune to manipulation. Shocker! Being strong in your opinions on free-range eggs and pointing out the idiots who don't wear helmets when they ride their bike does not mean you know a single thing when it comes to relationships. Turns out when you combine an easy-going personality, desperation for love on top of desperation from circumstances (like the constant fear of losing your job, not being able to find a room-mate and chronic fatigue), you are quite, quite easily manipulated by possibly well-meaning men with a lot of momma issues. Stir all this up in a big pot of crazy and you get a ticket to Italy after only a month of dating, plans to move in together despite being against your morals and a terrified family who holds your passport hostage in a desperate attempt to keep you from being murdered - and that's not all! - proceeds to take you to a pretend "going away party" which is actually an emergency confrontation with your entire family, your pastor and his wife. No big deal. It happens to the best of us, right? WRONG! How much of this could have been avoided if I had read Boundaries in Dating? I would like to think a whole lot. Why would I like to think this? Because I hope it can be prevented in others, particularly vulnerable women - which, it turns out, you can be without knowing it. The good news is that those disastrous relationships and that book have now basically made me an expert in emotional boundaries. Wanna know what boundaries of yours are being crossed? Ask Faith! She's experienced them all! So if you are currently dating, or want to be dating, or are married or even if you have any platonic relationships with live people whatsoever (so... basically everyone on the planet except some well-educated nuns and misanthropes) you should read this book.

Let me just go ahead and debunk some of the things I have heard other well-meaning Christians say. I have heard it said that you need to be perfectly content with yourself as a single person before God is going to bring you your future spouse. Bologna, I say! And I don't mind saying it. I will say it again, Bologna! But that's mostly because it's a great word and no one knows how to spell it or what the meat is made of. I don't think God is that predictable or that ungracious: He doesn't wait for us to be perfect before giving us gifts - example, Jesus. God gives good gifts to His children, not His perfect children. They do not exist. They lasted like five minutes in the Garden of Eden with one freaking rule. However it wasn't until I truly grew in my relationship with Christ, devoting time to study His word and spending time with Him in prayer, putting His kingdom first before my own desires, and desiring a relationship with Him more than anything else, that I was no longer consumed by my desire for an earthly companion. But this does not mean this desire went away. It means my priorities changed.

Of course we all know that the more content you are as a single person, the happier you will be as a single person. Imagine that! But that applies to all stages of your life and learning to be truly content is a life-long process. As children we wish we were older, when we get old we wish we were younger, the single wish they were married, the married wish they were single, parents look back on their days without children and just... cry (I'm assuming) and all of us wish we made a little bit more money, and then a little more, and a little more after that. The only answer to this problem is Jesus and your relationship with Him. It is true that you will be more or less attractive to the opposite sex depending on how content you are, but the truth will always come out eventually: we are all desperate for love. Just make sure you hide that desperation for at least the first few dates. If it doesn't go away, maybe hide it until marriage... or you know, forever. (Just saying.) I know from experience that most of that love can only be satisfied by knowing the love of Jesus. But God made us with a desire for romantic love and I do not believe God withholds this from us just because we are not yet as content as He wants us to be on our own. Nowhere in the Bible will you find this (example, all the idiots in the Bible with spouses). There may be other reasons why you are still single: a) because there actually is something wrong with you that you need to work on (awkward), or b) you haven't met the right person, or c) for some reason being single is either for your benefit or for God's glory. But if you do meet the right person, it will always be at the right time, because God's timing is perfect. And yes God can use on-line dating. On-line dating is not somehow inexplicably exempt from God's control.

In my experience, some things in life are best learned as a single person, some things are best, and possibly, only, learned in a relationship. But be sure of this: God will use whatever circumstance you are in to help you grow. And be even more sure of this: whatever circumstance you are in, it is part of God's plan for your imperfect, short, little life that is so incomprehensibly important to Him. Because He made you and loves you. You will, however, never be perfect. So if you are waiting to be perfect or to have a perfect relationship with God before you start dating, I have some bad news for you, according to Jesus there is no marriage in heaven...

I have heard from Christians that they will only date someone if they intend to marry that person. It's just funny, 'cause, you know, the point of dating is to find out if that's the person you want to marry. If you don't date you will probably end up marrying an out-of-work hippy who thinks patchouli oil is an acceptable deodorant replacement because you didn't date anyone else in order to figure out what you want in the first place. Nobody will ever be perfect, but it is true that the person you choose to marry almost exclusively determines the happiness quota for your entire life. So choose wisely my friend.

Finally, I have heard it said that you should be friends first before dating someone. Unfortunately friends first often just means super-duper confusing first and disappointing second. Whereas, if you understand that the purpose of dating is simply to get to know someone to see if you want to be in a relationship with them, the intentions are so much clearer. There is this thing with Christians called a DTR talk. DTR means "Define the Relationship" and it is encouraged that friends of the opposite sex make their intentions clear. I'm not saying this is a bad thing, it's a really good thing, but if people would just do what they used to do twenty years ago and go on a date, then... you wouldn't need to have this conversation. Girls wouldn't sit at home pining away, thinking, "I wonder if he likes me." Instead their really smart-but-harsh friends could just smack them across the face and say, "No you idiot, or else he would have asked you on a date." It's that simple. And if people went on more dates then maybe emotional boundaries would be more talked about. We wouldn't be such relationship babies, thrown into these intense relationships where suddenly everything seems like a life or death situation: "If I say no to him, he'll die!" or "If she doesn't hear me say I love you every 24 hours she'll go into anaphylactic shock!"

Unless there are some extenuating circumstances, if you are interested in the person then ask them out. And start changing the idea that dating someone instantly locks you in on a terrifying roller-coaster of impending doom, *ahem,* I mean marriage. Go on dates and start figuring out what you want in a spouse; you know, that person you're supposed to spend the rest of your life with. Take it slow. Don't settle. Have high standards and let yourself figure out which standards aren't actually important after all (usually ones involving appearances) and which ones are (usually ones involving personality and beliefs). Demand high standards from the person you're dating, and if they're good standards, heck, try to live up to them! But most importantly set boundaries and stick to them. Don't let yourself be manipulated - girls, and guys, need to learn how to say no to a lot more than just sex. And for goodness sakes, don't be unequally yoked! Find someone who believes the same life-changing and life-giving things you do. Dating has confirmed for me again and again that I would never be satisfied in a relationship with a man who has not made Jesus number one in his life. This goes for anything that is important and life-changing for you. Dating someone who does not believe the life-changing things that you do is possible, but God has told us not to be unequally yoked for a reason: because it is for our benefit. Just like saving yourself for marriage is. Just like staying away from sin is. Just like being close to Jesus is.

If you feel like you have things you need to work on first before being in a relationship, then go work on yourself, but never, ever let someone you are dating make you feel like you are too much or too little. God made you and you are just enough. Unless of course, you're referring to those particular faults that we all have and constantly need to work on - like being so lazy you will watch the same horrible channel on TV rather than try and find the remote. The beauty of it is, dating will help you learn these things about yourself - the good and the bad - and you will grow and it will be painful, and yes it may end in heartache, but it will be wonderful too.

Singlehood Debunked

Yes, I know, it sounds crazy, but singleness, or what I like to call utter aloneness, can lead to feelings of being... alone. One might call this "alone-liness," or just, you know, loneliness. You've probably never heard of it, or suffered from it (because if we thought others did we wouldn't feel so alone). This blog post is about this rare condition. Prepare yourselves. It sucks.

My brother got married! I am so incredibly happy for him. I got to be a bridesmaid and of course, was mistakenly given the task of being the first bridesmaid to walk down the aisle. There was no dress rehearsal. But as most of life does not come with a dress rehearsal I should have been okay with simple directions. Unfortunately I am not good with simple directions. All I remembered was which groomsman was my partner and towards him I walked aaaannnnd lined up on the groom's side of the bridal party. I stood in front of him, realized what I had done and whispered to him, "I'm on the wrong side aren't I?" then did an awkward side shuffle to the other side of the stage. This actually happened. Most said it was the highlight of the entire ceremony which is quite something considering two people just gave their lives to each other in holy matrimony. In a way I'm a little offended for my brother and his wife. In another way I'm incredibly gratified. Shame does not come into play here like it would for most people. Anyway, I always thought I would be married first. Not because I was more likely to meet the man of my dreams than my brother was to meet the man... of his.... wait that didn't work out. What I mean is I just assumed I would get married first because I was more likely to fall head over heels with the first man I clapped eyes on and marry him, natural-born serial killer or not. This wasn't my plan or anything people, I'm just a realist. Thankfully God has saved me from myself, (something He is all-too familiar with) and from the potential serial killer I might have married. So here I am. All alone. A spinster. An old maid. An ol' fuddy-duddy. (Somehow this turned into name-calling for single women.)

I can only hope to find someone as perfect for me as my brother's new wife is for him. But will I? That is the question. Last year I got so hopeless I joined e-Harmony, and then Christian Mingle. Sorry did I say hopeless? Haha, I meant, um, er, adventurous. So far it's been... hopeless. Sorry did I say hopeless? I meant despairing, THE END. A lot of the eligible bachelors online aren't even close to being right for me so it's not so much that I am missing out as being saved from a life of misery. I have said it a million times but I will say it again: I would rather be single my entire life than be with someone God didn't want for me. Does that mean it won't be freaking hard if I never find someone? NOPE. It sure doesn't. NEWSFLASH: my number one, number two, even three,
four and five reasons for being placed on this earth do not include finding the man of my dreams. This is very hard for me to take in. I'm... having... a panic attack... right now... thinking about it... My heart, mind and body are trying very hard to tell me that in fact finding the man of my dreams is the only reason I was placed on this earth. That is just not true. My actual reasons for being placed on this earth are:

1. To love God
2. To serve Him
3. To love His beloved children (AKA everyone)
4. To serve His children
5. To try not to screw up on 1 through 4. (If you must know 1 through 4 are actually all the same thing: serving God. Number five is called "being human.")

This feeling of desperation, of "needing" a companion, some would call anti-feminist. And I would say, "Yes, thank you. I will tell myself that as I cry into a bucket of ice cream that I am allergic to." Some would also say if you're not happy when you're single, you'll never be happy. And I would say, "Screw you," depending of course on whether it's that time of the month. But there is nothing wrong with wanting a companion. And there is nothing wrong with feeling lonely. It's what you do about that feeling that matters. Are you taking it to God or are you giving yourself away? Are you trying to fill your heart with good things or are you the wolf licking the frozen, blood-coated blade not realizing you are only harming yourself? (And most likely others too.) Don't you know that those immediate, quick fixes lead to death? I for one want what Jesus is offering: life and life to the fullest. So I will wait on God. But if I wait with my eyes to the ground I might miss what God is showing me. I recently read the book, "Boundaries in Dating" by Dr. Townsend and Dr. Cloud which my mom gave me in a subtle attempt to say something, what I don't know, but this book is amazing. It taught me dating can be a really good thing when done the right way. And online dating is just a convenient way of dating, or a great place for socially awkward people to try to get dates. So now I'm all pumped up to start dating in the right way - with no dates. I haven't had much success with online dating. Part of my problem with e-Harmony is that I don't let the online relationship go past "Makes or Breaks." This is literally the third step... There are only four. The first one is asking a couple ice breakers that you can answer with multiple choice, and since childhood, it has been instilled in me that multiple choice means lowered chances of failure so I always do this one. The second step is asking more in-depth questions that require you to write a real response. This takes effort. The third step is sending your "Makes or Breaks" - your deal breakers and makers in relationships, and finally after all this hoopla you can message the person. Let me give you the low-down on what usually happens with me: I get to the "Makes or Breaks" stage and either his answers suck or my motivation has died five steps ago in the four step process. Why you ask? Well for one I just cannot be bothered with anyone I am not really interested in and it is very hard to be interested in a computer. The other reason I don't go past makes or beaks is because quite often the guy's deal breakers include not sleeping excessively and being emotionally stable... Awkward. This is me in a nut-shell: "Hi, I'm Faith. I'm tired. All the time. I sleep as often as possible. In fact I wish I was sleeping right now. I also have depression. I am emotionally unstable. Hi. Marry me."

Let me tell you some fun anecdotes from my online dating adventures. Everyone knows that girls are suckers for animals. So you see all these pictures of guys holding cute animals and it's true, I am instantly sucked in. Granted, I am looking at the animal and no longer at the guy in the picture but he gets wrapped up in my warm, fuzzy feelings for animals. It's genius. I thought I had a keeper when I saw this one Albertan's profile picture of him holding a cute little bunny. Unfortunately, the caption ruined it. It said: "I have a rabbit farm for eating rabbits." He might as well have said, "Hey look at this cute rabbit I am holding! I love rabbits! Oh wait, I already ate this one. My bad!" Another guy asked me if I was enjoying the atmospheric conditions. I moved on. Many do not include a single picture where they are smiling. This makes me think they hate smiling, which of course I agree. Smiling is awful and way too much work. We will have a wonderful life together not smiling. Ever. And if he smiles just once, I will file for divorce. Unfortunately there seem to be very few Christian men from Vancouver Island online. That's because, and Statistics Canada has confirmed these findings which you can verify here, 90% of Vancouver Island is made of women - they use the term "swarming with them" - and 90% of Christians are female. And yet I'm having such a hard time finding a female roommate! What gives. At this point most people would question if maybe they were the problem. I refuse to do so. Fact number three: 80% of men live in Alberta. 100% of them are rednecks. Fact number four: long distance relationships are hard and often not worth it unless you 100% do not care if you have to leave your family and friends and everything you hold dear.

If you are single and finding it difficult, that's because it is. And you shouldn't feel guilty either when you hear about how much you should be cherishing your singlehood and, well... aren't. We were made to want companionship. It is as much a part of life as the desire for protection, happiness, family and food. Yes food. Of course with food, if you don't eat you will literally die, whereas they tell me you cannot die of singlehood. But you can die from loneliness. I would say that most suicides are caused by sheer loneliness - whether it's loneliness that brings on depression or depression that brings on loneliness it is all the same in the end: death. (This got morbid fast.) I just mean we don't take loneliness seriously enough. I struggle with depression and despite being surrounded by loved ones, loneliness is a big problem for me. God made us to love and want love, but what we forget is that He made us first and foremost to love Him and to want His love. The idea that someone would feel so lonely they would want to end their life, when in fact, their Creator loves them with a passionate love and died to eradicate the very loneliness they are suffering from is a fantastically woven lie from the very enemy of our souls. Now, I know from experience that the more you seek God, the more you abide in His love, the more your desire for earthly things, including companionship, will fade into the background. What is earthly love when heavenly love is in view! Instead earthly love is seen for what it is: an extension of heavenly love. God is love. So what do we single people do? We fix our eyes on Jesus. Does this mean your earthly desire for love will go away? Hell no! (Wrong phrasing?) All I know for sure is, He has not taken away my desire for earthly love yet. You?

But how do we fix our eyes on Jesus in real life? I mean, who has time to pray or read their Bible anymore? Who has time to put effort into a relationship? Good news! You are well on your way to a life of bad relationships. Communication is just as important in your relationship with God as it is in your human relationships. A wise philosopher once said, "If you don't communicate your relationship will die" (I learned this in the class "Dating for Dummies 101.") The hard part is taking the time to listen, but just talking to someone without listening is not a relationship. It is freaking annoying is what it is. Sometimes you have to force yourself to pray, which I know, can feel like dry chalk in your mouth; but did you know that chalk is made of calcium? So it's good for you. Yay! Eat that chalk. Because when I force myself to pray, guess what usually happens? I usually end up seeking Him. This includes striving to get rid of anything that gets in between me and Jesus: being careful what I watch, what I think about, who I hang out with and what I am putting in my life. This is how I fix my eyes on Jesus.

You see friends, my desire for earthly companionship means I am in a continuous, daily, trust exercise between me and my Father. Granted I suck at it, but I need to trust Him, not just because He is trustworthy, but because I whole-heartedly am not. I do not trust myself. Neither should you. (No seriously, don't trust me with anything, I will probably lose it.) And this trust exercise is really, really hard, especially when it comes to loneliness and especially if you struggle with depression, which more of us do than you think. For some reason I am constantly forgetting that in fact God is in control and I am not. I fall on my face and get back up again. Like I said, a continuous trust exercise. And we all hate exercise so we eat burgers instead. And apparently (and now this is really crazy) this trust exercise does not end in marriage! I know! Can you believe it? If you want children, then you have to trust God with having children. If you want your business to succeed, you have to trust God with your business. DOES IT EVER END? Yes. It's called death. It all comes back to death. (Which, of course, is only the beginning.)

The End

Milk, Sapiens and Sexuals: ALL the Homos!

You're right, God DOES hate cigarettes. But you shouldn't be smiling.
Cigarettes kill.

I've felt incredibly compelled to write this blog post for a long time now. Because if the real Bible-following Christians don't stand up, the Eminem ones will. You can be as against homosexuality as you want to be, I don't give a flying fish. But unfortunately most Christians against homosexuality don't know how to separate their own personal beliefs from what the Bible actually says. What I mean is, the Bible is fairly clear that homosexuality in some form is a sin. The Bible is also very clear that lying is a sin. And greed. And that just thinking about having an affair is considered as bad as actually doing the deed. It is also incredibly clear that Jesus died for all sins because He absolutely, positively loves all people. I cannot express to you how stupid any Christian is who could even think, let alone say, "God hates homosexuals." God might hate homosexuality you silly goose (and I'm not even convinced He does), but He sure as heck doesn't hate homosexuals. If that is true, good luck getting into heaven. I talked to St. Peter and he said stupidity is actually a worse sin than homosexuality. He picked it out of a bowl at random, but he's firm on it.

Why do Christians love to focus on homosexuality? It's like some kind of bizarre fetish. Now if that doesn't sound sinful I don't know what does. Why aren't they focusing on well, basically anything God focused on? Because He sure as heck didn't focus on homosexuality. Here's what Jesus had to say about homosexuality: oh wait... nothing. Here's what He said about hypocrisy: well, it would just be easier for you to read the entire Gospels than listing all the times He told off the Pharisees. It makes me wonder, these gay-hating Christians, have they even read the Bible? If so, which version exactly are they reading? Because I feel like the translation might be a little off. How in the world do you ever plan on bringing anyone to know the love of Jesus by proclaiming that "God hates..." instead of "God loves"? I want to ask them, "Do we know the same God? Because I feel like yours is... different." But maybe I've got them all wrong. Maybe they're talking about a different god when they say "God hates gays." Like Zeus for instance. Man, I would not be at all surprised if that guy is a total homophobe. He just has anger-management written all over his face, in lightning bolt scars. Anyway, I for one want God to use me, not work extremely hard to get around me and heal the massive damage I've done to people's hearts by the incredibly stupid, ludicrous things I've said or done in the name of God - who is Love itself. I was going to post all the times God mentions homosexuality in the Bible (which I could, because there aren't that many) but seriously just read your freaking Bible. Now, I know there are a lot of Christians who agree with me for the most part, but they think that as long as they sit there and don't do any damage, they aren't part of the problem. Is that really all you want to be? You see, there are always going to be crazy Christians out there doing so much damage that unfortunately the rest of us can't just sit back and keep our heads down. Instead we need to love so much and so loudly that we counteract the idiots flailing around with Bibles they have obviously never read. Don't get me wrong, I love those idiots. Their parents were probably idiots too and passed it down to them. It's a vicious cycle of idiocy.

I personally used to have a problem with homosexuality. It made me feel really... weird. And then I met people who said they were gay and heard their story and I knew they were absolutely no different than I was. So why did it make me feel weird? Because the only way I could try to understand was by imagining what it would be like to be in love romantically with the same sex. And that felt really weird... and revolting = I'm straight. Yay! Life is easier for me! I was also weirded out as child even thinking that I could have been created by my parents having sex. I still am... in fact I'm convinced a stork brought me. That would explain a lot. Children delivered by storks are bound to be a little... odd. One thing that made me realize I needed to get over my weirdness was that I knew for a fact that there were men and women out there who were born with the brain/body of the opposite sex, or hermaphrodites who were born with both sex organs. If I knew this to be a fact, how could I ever conclude that one person fit this description and one did not? In which case, I COULD NEVER JUDGE. It no longer mattered whether I understood how two people loving each other, even if they were the same sex, could possibly be a sin. It didn't matter whether I believed practicing homosexuality was the sin, and not the sexual orientation itself. It did not matter whether it still grossed me out.  As long as there was the possibility of doubt, that I didn't actually know if it was genetics, upbringing or just plain choice, I COULD NEVER JUDGE. And that let me open up my heart to realize that it was actually, absolutely none of my business. It was between them and God. Which let me trust God implicitly: I no longer had to question whether God was fair because some things in His word didn't make sense to me. He knew every heart and I didn't even know my own half the time.

People say, "Love the sinner, hate the sin" which is great, but I think as long as we continue to choose not to understand the person behind the sin (or what we consider sin) we are still going to judge them. We judge what we don't understand. So instead how about trying to understand how difficult it must be to realize at any point in your life that you are different than almost everyone around you and that most people you tell this to are going to look down on you instead of loving you as you try to not to drown in the confusion of figuring out one of the most important things in your life: your sexuality. I mean, sex still confuses me. You put what in the what with the who now??? I wonder too, if those hateful Christians know just how many homosexuals have been sexually abused as children. And you are going to tell these abused children that God hates them? Good idea! Why don't you go steal from an orphanage while you're at it. God loves that. Don't you think you might be a little sexually confused too if someone had abused you when you were the most vulnerable and impressionable? And for everyone who can understand someone being gay but can't understand people who are bisexual, don't you think it might be a little bit confusing if you were attracted to both sexes? Think about it, now your potential soul-mate could be any person on the entire planet. I mean just the anxiety of that alone would make anyone choose a side. Yeah. That's right. Okay maybe not, but the point is, these are people who are struggling to understand who they are. Don't you think, if they could simply choose to be "normal" and live an easier life, they would? The thing is, we don't have to understand it, we just have to leave the judging to God. And we have a pretty good idea from the Bible what He will be judging more than anything else: our hearts. Besides I would way rather spend my time hanging out with a group of LGTB peeps (who are usually very nice people because they know what it's like to be an outsider and therefore have developed that part of their brain where this thing called "compassion" lives) than a Christian who says they hate gays. In fact, you will find that most gays don't actually hate Christians. I have no idea why. I guess they are just smart enough to realize that we are not all the same.

You don't have to agree with this to see it makes some good points.

Radical Times

I'm all grown up now. I am not only 25 and no longer living with my parents (whether I am going to be after Auxano is besides the point), I now have my full license (the fact that I still had my N is also besides the point). I'm sitting in my room eating a watermelon lollipop as a reward. And no, I do not see a contradiction between the first sentence and eating a watermelon lollipop as a reward. I tried to do the grown-up thing and get something from Starbucks but my tea just ended up burning my tongue for two days. So there you go. Lollipops beat Starbucks. I'm surprised I passed my road test - I was incredibly tired, plus it was raining like the dickens and I wasn't used to the brakes on the car I was using. Luckily I know the universal braking system (put foot on brake and press down) so we didn't die. I told the examiner all about Auxano but I wasn't quite willing to go into detail about why he needed Jesus because you know, I wanted to pass. Is that wrong? He put a smiley face in the notes section on my test. I'm guessing a sad face meant you failed but I can't be sure.

A lot has happened at Auxano. For instance, on Halloween I dressed up as a fairy godmother and Shayla and I pranced around camp saying, "I'm a beautiful butterfly!" with a British accent. Then I granted everyone a wish with my tinfoil wand. I think it was obvious to everyone that a tinfoil wand was not going to be doing anyone any favors so some of the magic may have been lost, but you have no idea how happy it made me. Or maybe you do. It made me really, really happy. We recently read the book Radical: Taking Back Your Faith from the American Dream by David Platt. Mr. Andy Renton himself, camp director and road-test-car-loaner, led the study on the book. I know, you're thinking I must be pretty important to have such an 'in' that the camp director would let me borrow his car to take my road test, but that's just because you are forgetting my important title up here, "RA," which as I was recently informed stands for "Really Awesome." I don't think that's true though. I think it's supposed to stand for "Real Advisory." The book is pretty challenging. David Platt has a huge church in the States and has started a movement in his church to live like Jesus actually says we should live. All the Auxano students including the RA's (the "Really Awesome's") came up with one radical thing we are going to do for a year, along with reading the Bible and praying for the world one country at a time (you can follow along with the other thousands of Christians doing the same thing here: The Radical Experiment). Some of our radical things are not buying clothes for a year and giving the money to a charity, or for every dollar we spend giving the same amount away; some of us are starting a specific ministry we feel called to - whatever it is, we have been challenged to give what is uncomfortable to give. It is easy to give out of your excess. It's when you give like the poor woman who gave all she had that at the end of your life God will say, "Well done, good and faithful servant." I don't know about you, but right now I'm afraid God would probably say something more like, "Well, you know, better luck next time. Oh snap! There is no next time. Because you're dead." 

Sometimes I can be a bit callous.

What else? We go to a church in Duncan called New Life and after church we volunteer on the native reserve at a program called Kidzone. An inspiring young couple lead it and they've seen some pretty amazing results. The parents and grandparents who once wouldn't let their children go have started trusting that they really are there for one thing only: to show love to these kids. Not only that but the police have confirmed that the incredibly high number of calls they receive from that area for gang violence, drugs and abuse have gone down. I feel so blessed that we, the Auxano students and I, get the opportunity to take part in something so special. The kids we get to play with are amazing. I have this feeling when I'm there like, "This is what I was created for." Plus, I get to basically play and color pictures. Mostly I go for the coloring. I've been making friendship bracelets for the Auxano students and it brings me a lot of joy to see my masterpieces on their wrists, especially when I know the truth: they are not actually masterpieces. But they wear them anyway. Why? Because they were made with L-O-V-E. And love beats lollipops. And Starbucks. And Battlestar Galactica

P.S. You wouldn't believe it but last night Matt and Shayla let me cut their hair. I somehow managed to convince them that I was a skilled hairdresser (I've cut my dad's hair once or twice and my friend's hair once). For some reason I felt bizarrely confident, or incredibly uncaring I don't quite know. Either way the fact that an important part of what they look like was in my hands didn't seem to phase me. Except for that one point when I actually thought out loud, "I have no idea what I'm doing." You don't want to hear your hairdresser say that. Two beautiful haircuts later, I don't know what in the world I was thinking. More importantly, I don't know what they were thinking letting me handle scissors near their face.

Sarah Gray and I when she came to visit me!

Mind Blown, Soul Satisfied

This is a short blog post. So much has happened since my last one. My birthday. I turned 25 and I had planned this amazing party to celebrate being a quarter of a century before I spontaneously quit my job and ran away to Lake Cowichan. Things change, and thank God for it. All the students make me feel really old, something I thought I would never feel at 25. I just made a comment about remembering something when I was young and before I could say what it was they said, "You remember being young???" Thanks guys. Thanks. Speaking of thanks, I went home for Thanksgiving and spent a really nice weekend with my family - so much to be be thankful for! And last week for Auxano we finished our classes with the amazing Francois Blouin creator of the The Sword Ministries. Francois teaches the Gospels from a Jewish perspective using "A Harmony of the Gospels" which looks at all the events in Matthew, Mark, Luke and John side by side. IT WILL BLOW YOUR MIND. You wouldn't think so because it sounds like the most obvious thing in the entire world to teach the Bible in the actual context it was written in. You know. Like if you read a historical account about a different culture and a different religion than yours you might want to know what it is talking about when it refers to that culture and religion. And, odd, isn't it, to think you would miss things if you didn't. Yes, I too am feeling the sarcasm is a little thick. Kind of sickening. I am going to go throw up now. But I am so thankful I am learning it now, before I am an old lady who is stuck in her ridiculous notions about the Bible and far too stubborn to change her mind no matter how unfounded the belief. Especially since I have already decided that when I am old I am going to refuse to believe anything that is contrary to what I already believe just because I can (because I am old) and it will drive everyone crazy and I will laugh in my wheelchair, old and senile and happy.

Francois is a miracle who came out of French-Canada (like Canada but French) and loves Jesus so much he decided to find out what the crazy things Jesus was talking about actually meant. Fascinating. No really. It is so fascinating I came out of the class every day with a permanent smile on my face because I was blown away by how good God is and how much He is in control. I came out of that class having so many ambiguous things explained and feeling like I can trust my Bible more than I ever knew possible. That I can trust that God knew and knows exactly what He is doing down to the very "tittle" (that's a new word we learned in class meaning the small part of a letter in the Jewish alphabet. We may or may not have giggled during class. You see, Steph taught us an affectionate name for someone that the girls think is sooooo adorable but for some reason it makes the boys cringe. Instead of saying kitten we say, "titten!" It is the cutest thing ever and boys love cute things like cute little baby clothes and pictures of puppies with hearts and cartoon animals with big eyes so I don't see why they wouldn't love the word titten. You're making a frowny face aren't you. I will pray for you so that the next time you hear someone say "Awww, titten!" your insides are filled with love and joy and rainbows.) Oh cutest thing ever: I phoned home today finally (it's only been a week since the last time but it felt like a lot longer) and when I ended the conversation with my parents my mom said, "I love you to pieces" and my dad said, "And I love you back together again!" If that doesn't fill your heart with love and joy and rainbows I don't know what will. There is no hope for you.

I'm going to be writing another blog post very soon as it's been quite a while. For some reason I am finding it very hard to take time on my own when living with eleven other wonderful people. I have no idea why...

Francois and his wife Ana Alicia with Auxano!

Big Mouth Betty (Debby Downer's BFF)

I am a faulty machine. If you bought me, hopefully you kept the receipt. For instance, sometimes I have a big mouth. No, I don't mean the actual size of it, though it is large. Actually my mouth isn't so large as my gums are ginormous. When I smile it is equal parts gum and teeth. Some might say large gums are not aesthetically pleasing, and although I haven't yet had a dentist say, "You're lucky, you have large gums," I prefer thinking of them as well-endowed. I imagine that some day I will be old and have no teeth, and then I will be happy that I have such large gums to fill up my smile. What was I saying? Something to do with talking too much... Oh right, what I actually meant by having a  big mouth was that I say things without thinking. They call me Big Mouth Betty (fortunately no one's ever called me that). She's best friends with Debby Downer. I wish I could say that at least I mean well. Unfortunately when you say something without thinking, you don't have time to sneak good intentions behind your words and use that as an excuse. And telling someone you mean well instead of apologizing is about as effective as telling someone you didn't mean it. Didn't you? Didn't you? Then there are the times where you actually do mean well but you still shouldn't have said it. You may have been thinking before you spoke, but you were thinking of bunny rabbits. These are some of the ways it happens:

1. I want to be funny, so I say something slightly hurtful but hilarious.
2. I have this desire to share things with people but some things are not mine to share.
3. I like to talk.
4. I usually think I am right (I usually am) and so I argue for no reason (except to prove your ignorance, obviously).
5. I am always overtired and when I get irritable sometimes bad things come out.

Potty Talk

This is the most uncomfortable post I've ever written, but I feel it needs to be addressed. BE FOREWARNED: the picture below has gotten me many weird looks at work when people pass by. If this happens to you, smile and nod.


Why is the line going to his feet and not the toilet?

Everyone poops; did you know that? No one tells you this, but everyone poops. Jesus pooped.  Dumbledore pooped* (see bottom of the page).  The Queen poops. The Dalai Lama poops. The Pope poops (his name is also close to the word “poop”). And the thing is, it’s actually not being able to poop that is the problem. I’m not sure if it’s because of its unappealing nature or the certain area involved, but it is uncanny how offensive people find the subject of poop. You can make any number of sexual innuendos, say the f word like it’s some sort of intelligent conversation filler, but there is something inherently off-putting about the contents of your bowel. It doesn’t matter that we use the toilet on average 1-3 times a day for just this reason, it doesn’t matter that it is a huge part of our lives and crucial to a properly working body. We absolutely adore talking about food but politely abstain from talking about the fact of life that what goes in must come out. It's science, people. It can’t just stay in there forever. But as much as people don’t want to talk about a functioning bowel, they 126.59% don’t want to talk about what happens when the system quits working (findings taken from Faith'sbook Study on the Colon). Such things are so shameful we either cringe from even the allusion of it or point and laugh at it like adolescent teenage boys.

"Grandfather Christmas" Story

There were a couple people who wanted to read the Christmas story I wrote for my church's Christmas Eve service, which went very well by the by. I felt like I read well and got a good reaction from people who said they loved the story. So yay me! For those few people who were away at Christmas, and maybe a few others who like reading heartwarming stories, here she be:

~ Grandfather Christmas ~

Gregory only had a week to find his brother a Christmas present. His little brother Leon was missing a kidney and often sick and Gregory felt it was his job as the older brother to take care of him despite the closeness of their age — Gregory was nine and three quarters, Leon was eight and a half.


“What do you want for Christmas?” Gregory asked his brother over breakfast. The advent calendar showed seven more sleeps to go.


“I dunno. What do you want?”


Gregory frowned. He was convinced that Leon’s lack of knowing things was the sole cause of his frown crease between his eyebrows. “Well, what did you put on your Christmas list?”


“I can’t remember; Mom has it,” Leon said.


“You must know something that you want,” Gregory said. “Leon, listen to me.” He had found the best way to get Leon’s attention was to emphasize things as dramatically as possible. He waited until Leon, mid-spoonful to the mouth, looked up at him. “What do you want most in the entire world if you could have anything that you ever wanted?”

Girl Meets Boy Meets Awkward Meets Boy Runs Away

Happy Baby

Everyone knows what it's like to accidentally let it slip that you like someone and then have it get around to the person so that even if there was a slight possibility that they might like you in the future, that bridge is now on fire and if you tried to cross it you would burst into flame and die, that is how low your chances of success are. If, by chance, that person likes you back and finding out you like them just helps it along, then well, way to go, you win. I always like nice guys so if they ever hear that I like them and they don't like me back they are too nice to lead me on and instead AVOID AVOID AVOID! RETREEEAAATTT! And the sad thing is half the time I don't really like them, I just want to be their friend. It goes like this, I see good qualities in a guy, usually because I think they are funny, and instead of saying to someone, "That guy is cool. I should get to know him," I say, "I like him. I think I shall marry him," and then it gets around to him and for some reason he runs away. I get it though. If you actually thought I was a stalker I should hope you would take serious precautions. Sometimes I want to say, "I don't even like YOU, I just like the Jesus in you, don't be so freaking flattered." Because it's true. I see the Jesus in a man and I'm like, "I LOVE him!" which should and will weird a guy out if some girl they barely know is saying she loves you (I don't actually do that, don't worry). All I can say is, I can't help loving Jesus. It just comes naturally to me. But you can't like all the boys all the time, it gets tiring. Believe me, I've tried (Grade 2). But I've always liked to keep my options open for whoever God might happen to bring my way. I am the opposite of picky. I walk around going, "Maybe it's him. Is it him? Could be that guy. Maybe not that guy, but then again, you never know." Hopefully keeping myself open will pay off eventually and I won't be an old lady on my death bed getting a crush on all my doctors and random male janitors who walk by: "Is it that guy? He's still got two hairs on his head. Looks like a winner to me!" Gotta keep hope alive though, right?

How to Be Positive About Anything Ever

If you haven't seen this video, go here.

People who have never been depressed don't understand it (something I find hard to believe. How have you never been depressed? Has nothing bad ever happened to you in your entire life? Did a leprechaun come down from leprechaun land and give you his lucky charms? Don't trust him. He's no good.) Well, good for you! Way to not know what it's like to feel like nobody in the world loves you and that your dog doesn't even care if you are laying there on the ground disemboweled begging for a glass of water (dog's aren't very good at getting glasses of water, but still, harsh). Way to be perfect. But for the rest of us people who have experienced depression, we usually don't want to talk about it because it's somehow embarrassing, like saying you have herpes. When your mentality is ill it's hard to be objective about it because it is inside your very being and when you ask your brain, "Are you depressed or is this just who I am?" your messed up brain is probably just like, "F U self!" It's like expecting the protagonist of a book to try and figure out what the author is thinking. Think about it. They say cognitive therapy is really important, learning how to train your mind to think positively (for example, when Peter Pan is depressed he can't visit his love Wendy because he can't fly and she is getting old really quick so he gets even more depressed in a vicious cycle of unhappy thoughts. If only he knew cognitive therapy...). Some people need antidepressants because their brain chemicals are all messed up. Whatever your doctor tells you, try to stay away from drugs that end in "caine," "roine," "eth," or "juana." It never works out as well as you think. I'm going to try my own brand of cognitive therapy, which will soon be a best-seller self-help book. Here is a sneak peak from my book How to Stay Positive About Anything Ever.

Naturopathic

A lot of people, Christians especially, are afraid of different approaches to medicine, such as naturopaths and acupuncture. And they're legitimate fears. Eastern medicine is often closely tied to, in my humble opinion, weird sh*t, pardon my political incorrectness. Whereas eastern culture is very spirit oriented, western culture is often obsessed with body, body, body (insert "Marsha, Marsha, Marsha" inflection). It's all, "Be fit! Eat healthy!" or, "Eat that Big Mac! Watch TV forever!" creating a deadly war between what you want and what's good for you, while forgetting that a healthy body with an unhealthy mind is fairly pointless, and a healthy body with a nonexistent spirit is fairly empty. But I do NOT believe that your spirit and your mind are the same thing. I believe your spirit is separate and pure and shouldn't be messed around with, so yes, you do have to be careful taking part in something that could have spiritual elements that you don't believe in.

This is me after acupuncture.

But bear with me if you don't believe in spirituality in the first place, because part of me doesn't either. I'm pretty skeptical when it comes to anything spiritual, unless it's related to Jesus, which isn't very convincing if you also don't believe in Jesus or God for that matter. We think it's easier separating body and mind than mind and spirit but that's just because our bodies are pretty hard to ignore. Bodies are like whiny, needy babies. They smell and hurt and are constantly reminding you that they are there. Right now my body is saying, "I have to pee," "I'm hungry," and "Get back to work." Oh, no wait, that's my boss. But most people go their whole lives without experiencing anything spiritual, and I mean spiritual to the point that you can't explain it away by anything you have ever known. But not all different approaches to medicine are bad. And instead of being afraid of them we should be aware of what they are really all about and stay clear of anything we don't agree with. And I'm not going to water it down for you. I truly believe there is a spiritual world out there warring for your soul and you are either on the right side, Jesus' side, or the wrong side, Satan's side, whether you know it or not. So no doubt you have to be careful what kind of things you take part in, because it's no joke. Well, that is----→

Campy

Every year I go to this weird cult thing called "camp" where I have gone since I was seven and where parents everywhere love to ship their children off for a week away from home so they can wonder what it would have been like if they never went down that road (Parenthood Rd). My parents shipped me off to a camp called Camp Imadene as a child and I will ship my future children off to camp in a generational cycle of party-time-for-parents. Little do the parents know that CAMP IS THE BEST THING EVER! Actually, I think they probably do know, but that's beside the point, I believe the children have won by subterfuge. As a child I looked forward to camp throughout the entire year. It was the quintessence of summer to me. One thing I do miss though is the Crow's Nest, a high tower with a big flotation ball on the bottom and a basket-like nest on top, maybe twenty feet up, that sat in the lake. You'd climb up into the nest and rock it back and forth until it touched the water and swung like a pendulum to the other side. It freaked the heck out of me, but it was worth it. And then it sunk. I think it may still be at the bottom of the lake and kind of hope it is because I have an unrealistic dream to resurrect it.

I love the safari cutouts because I never get
to see them with the older camps.

Just to get one thing straight, if there was a fight to the death between all the camps in all the universes, the camp that would beat them all would be Camp Imadene. It is the best place on earth, and I am one of the lucky few who have discovered the secret. Therefore I cannot divulge its whereabouts. But I can tell you that Mesachie Lake is the most beautiful lake in the world and that when it comes to camps, smaller is usually better, regardless of whether other camps have cooler stuff. Imadene could consist of a straw hut and a row-boat and it would still be the best camp ever. Call me biased.... because I am. The crazy thing is that Imadene now owns the mountain across the lake as well as the property on the other side of the road (they're trying their hand at world domination...). But it isn't that, and it isn't the canoeing, climbing wall, repelling, wakeboarding, tubing or BMX track, it's the entire camp atmosphere. You walk onto that camp and you feel love, pure and simple. And I can tell you why - before entering the camp grounds two old wooden signs sway in the wind, one says, "Camp Imadene," the other says, "Bible Camp." That's why. Because Camp Imadene is a Bible Camp.

Real Christmas Vs. Fake Christmas in an Ultimate Fighting Death Match

I love Christmas!!!!!!!!! It's the best thing that ever existed. None of this "Happy Holidays" or "Seasons's Greetings" nonsense. I hope your holidays are happy too: summer holidays, Easter holidays, Halloween, even Labor Day (what is Labor Day anyway??? ... I just looked it up. It's in honor of "labor" or working people. So not for couch potatoes - that's a different holiday). And I'm glad the season is polite enough to give me its greetings but when the twinkling lights are turned on because actually they've been up all year, and bizarrely we start chopping down trees to put them in our house because I guess it's not enough that they stay outside and our house plants just aren't cutting it, I preserve the right to hear Merry Christmas or even Happy Christmas if you are British and weird. When I see or hear Happy Holidays all I see is the oppression of my freedom as a Christmasian, regardless of my beliefs. And when I hear someone say "Happy Holidays you wonderful person!" (which happens quite a lot) I want to say, "Sorry? I didn't catch that. I think you meant to say Merry Christmas but forgot what it was called?" or "Don't be afraid! You are free to speak it's name!" I refuse to acknowledge that it has anything to do with religious differences (which it does, a lot) and I doubt whether on Christmas morning the children of those politically correct parents are going to want very much to say, "It's the Season! Yay!" when all the other kids are saying, "It's Christmas! Hip-hip-hoorayray!"