Dear Vampire Diaries

So, after I wrote my "Dear Paul Wesley" post and didn't hear anything back from him, I decided it was time to take our relationship to the next level. I wrote a real letter, on paper, to the Vampire Diaries cast and put it in this magic portal called "the mailbox." And it too is a love letter, only to all of them, not just Paul... My thinking was this: "Won't it be awesome to put this in my blog when they write back?" They never wrote back. Why? I don't understand. I did research for goodness sakes. Out of the hundreds of letters they must receive on a daily basis, clearly mine must be the diamond in the dung heap. Not that I think highly of myself or anything... I inserted the character names to help you. It was also written in January, so things in the show have changed since then, especially with Stefan. This is it:

The Vampire Diaries Cast
Bonanza Productions, Inc.
2364 Park Central Boulevard
Decatur, GA 30035-3914
USA

January 26, 2012

Dear Vampire Diaries cast, will you marry me? I know what you’re thinking, she’s a total bigamist. But this is my first love letter, uh, I mean fan letter (I don’t know if there is a real difference: as a fan, I am writing to confess my love to you = love letter), so it might not live up to your expectations, but I’m in denial waiting for the next episode and out of that this letter… happened.

Dear Paul Wesley

See? Just look at him.

Dear Paul Wesley,

How do you say "will you marry me" in Polish? No reason. I heard you got married so I thought I'd write you a letter letting you know you've made the biggest mistake of your life. It doesn't matter that we are from two different worlds (and I don't mean Polish vs. Canadian) and let's face it, the probabilities of us being together is as likely as a cat getting together with a fish (wait isn't that a catfish?), so it's terribly romantic, but I would hate to think you will live the rest of your life wondering "what if..." When I say two different worlds I mean the vampire vs. human worlds. To be more specific, you are a vampire. I am not. So far it's working for Elena, but I hear it didn't work out too well for Bella. I don't envy her giving birth by fang-section. Actually, if we're being picky, you're not really a vampire, you just play one on Vampire Diaries, but let's not be. Picky people don't enjoy the fullness of life.

I hear Poland is cold this time of year. Actually I rarely hear anything about Poland. Are Poland and Bulgaria enemies? Because that's where Nina Dobrev is from and you could use your relationship to start bridging the discrimination. I don't know if you made the best decision in changing your name. Now you sound British. Besides, Wasilewski is not that hard to say. It just makes people sound drunk when they say it. How are you finding life in America? Oh wait, you were born there. I hear you got kicked out a Christian boy's school. Did you go dancing? I think you're supposed to put a Bible's distance between you and the girl to fight temptation. I made the mistake of using an actual Bible and now no one wants to dance with me (it's really hard to dance attractively with a Bible). I've been watching your show for a while and I've discovered it's about this girl who has this diary that she uses to write about vampires. Pretty thrilling stuff. At least that is what the show was about until the diary mysteriously died... along with the crows and the fog. Maybe there was a crow epidemic. Fog is seasonal. (Good call killing off those details, writers.) I was very hesitant when I first started watching your show, but my coworker was addicted and got me addicted too. For one, I couldn't help thinking it was just a knock-off of Twilight (like most people I didn't know that the books by L. J. Smith were written long before) and though I appreciated all the great humor in Twilight (what? Wasn't it a comedy? It's not?! You're kidding!) I didn't love the idea of watching people get the blood sucked out of them. No offence. Guess what? I still don't. It's gross. Frankly, I'm far too squeamish for your show. Please stop going back into your past and feasting on people. Other than that you're amazing and I love you.

How to Be Positive About Anything Ever

If you haven't seen this video, go here.

People who have never been depressed don't understand it (something I find hard to believe. How have you never been depressed? Has nothing bad ever happened to you in your entire life? Did a leprechaun come down from leprechaun land and give you his lucky charms? Don't trust him. He's no good.) Well, good for you! Way to not know what it's like to feel like nobody in the world loves you and that your dog doesn't even care if you are laying there on the ground disemboweled begging for a glass of water (dog's aren't very good at getting glasses of water, but still, harsh). Way to be perfect. But for the rest of us people who have experienced depression, we usually don't want to talk about it because it's somehow embarrassing, like saying you have herpes. When your mentality is ill it's hard to be objective about it because it is inside your very being and when you ask your brain, "Are you depressed or is this just who I am?" your messed up brain is probably just like, "F U self!" It's like expecting the protagonist of a book to try and figure out what the author is thinking. Think about it. They say cognitive therapy is really important, learning how to train your mind to think positively (for example, when Peter Pan is depressed he can't visit his love Wendy because he can't fly and she is getting old really quick so he gets even more depressed in a vicious cycle of unhappy thoughts. If only he knew cognitive therapy...). Some people need antidepressants because their brain chemicals are all messed up. Whatever your doctor tells you, try to stay away from drugs that end in "caine," "roine," "eth," or "juana." It never works out as well as you think. I'm going to try my own brand of cognitive therapy, which will soon be a best-seller self-help book. Here is a sneak peak from my book How to Stay Positive About Anything Ever.

Dear Simon Baker

There was a dark time in my life where I became overwhelmed by school and work and in a successful attempt to avoid my real world responsibilities I obsessively watched fake lives on TV. It was fantastic. For a time. But it meant the homework I was finding too intimidating to do, simply didn't get done. I nearly failed a class and was deeply ashamed of it. One of the shows I was watching was The Mentalist. In my desperate, fragile, emotional state, I immediately fell in love with Patrick Jane. You can't help loving his egotistical insensitivity (which in real life would make me kick him in the groin and call him a heartless douche bag) so why fight it? I wanted to hold him and tell him I alone understood his deep, suppressed pain over his murdered wife and child. 

Dearest Dave Wallace

 February 4, 2011  

 Dearest Dave Wallace, 

         Why are you so famous now? Question: if I gave you a hug would I catch whatever disease you have that brought you to sudden fame and glory? What's it like to be on international television? Okay, so it was the local news, but still, if the whole world happened to be in Victoria then you WOULD be televised internationally, or, which is more likely, if every nationality were represented in Victoria (which it pretty much is) and happened to be watching the local news, then called all their family in far away countries, it would be pretty much synonymous with international television.